Lam: ‘Wai… hello!!’
Lam: ‘Nei ho ma?’
Me: ‘Alright mate.. ho ho!!’
Me: ‘Nei ho ma?’
Lam: ‘Ho ho!’
Me: ‘Bye, bye!’
Lam: ‘Bye bye!’

Leave the hall of residence, switch on ipod, bump into the fairly elderly people practising tai chi. Tai chi with swordsrent a car bulgaria. Walk to Festival Walk (how fitting), head down to the MTR station, get on the same train at 07:03, on the same carriage with the same beautiful ‘MTR girl’ who has evidently memorised my schedule. That she is and always was on the train before me is beside the point. I arrive at work at 07:28, read my email, do IPE & LIFFEF testing orders, confirm colour of the day, ask the desk for breakfast orders and get ‘sup bui chaan jup’, ‘sei gor door si’ and ‘look lung siu mai’ from the basement. In the lift on the way up I make the same joke every morning as members of staff look at the amount food falling out my arms, ‘yeah…’ ‘I’m hungry today’. Talk to Trowbridge, re-run SOD… it’s all become so strikingly similar to the experience of Bill Murray that every time I receive a phone call at work, I imagine it’s in response to a cry of “WHO you gonna’ call?!”. I even have a friend I speak to every day at HSBC called Rita, who you’ll remember is the name of the female lead in Groundhog Day.

However in recently weeks things have begun to change. And though change and variety are said to be ‘the spice of life’, I’ve actually found them to be bit of an inconvenience to be honest. Cuz bustin’ made me feel good…

Well hello boys and girls. This is Heaney boy reporting for duty. So the last couple of week’s events have been fruitful. I have been sorting out a trip to Thailand with my boy Alan in Easter which is going to be without a doubt bloody amazing. Just after that I have my mom, pops and family in tow coming my way to grace me with their company. Also my mates are coming over for a month after the family leave which should be a great laugh, although I don’t think any of the above is going to help me those impending exams passed :-/

I have just started my week after finishing the biggest sleep of my life. The weekend was the most relaxed of my life and I loved it. I am non-stop over here, after work I am out and about and the weekends are more like a test of my body more than anything else to see how far I can push it without being hospitalised. But not this weekend. Oh no. I went round my mate Gary’s house on Friday for a drink and a laugh, I ended up kipping on his wooden floor for 3 hrs that night so I was half human the next day. I mustered the energy to make my way home the following morning declining the invite to basketball, which at the time given my current state seemed as inviting as pulling my nails from their roots. Once cocooned in my boudoir it didn’t take long before I was out like a light, I put in some good ground work that day for the record of the worlds longest sleep. I awoke and watched Pans Labyrinth with Rich before pulling an all-nighter and sleeping the following day at 8 in the morning, needless to say I gave footie a pass the next day and decided to try and break the record I managed to set the previous day. I norm consider excess sleep a waste of a good life but Jesus Christ it was amazing and well needed.

I had a massive cock-up last week as well. I met some blindingly fit bird in the lift and thought to myself “Weheey, good way to start a day”. This bird must have been trying to set a land speed record judging by her quick paced walking though. Keen as I was not to let this baby fly the coup I decided to show her what quick feet were really about. We hit the stairs with her having a good head start over myself but my middle name is Stairs mainly due to the fact I can traverse them quicker than any other human alive. Granted I have not tried to hit the 100% proficiency mark in the new shoes I had imported from England, but after all my middle name is Stairs So here I was beginning to burn-up much as you would imagine an asteroid doing so as it renters the atmosphere due to the sonic speeds these little babies that carry me around were doing. It was then disaster struck as I overtook her, fxxked up and things went really tits up. I was doing 88mph (and for anyone who has seen Back to the Future that is just enough speed to see some serious shit) without any footing and was hoping I would land in a big hole that would swallow me so I would never have to show my face in public again. Instead of doing a face-plant I opted to lunge and grab the readily available wall rail and as luck would have it I managed to time my cursing just as she walked by, ensuring that in the unlikely event that I had managed to save a shred of dignity it was now to safe to say it was long gone. I am sure she appreciated the big skinhead shouting “Fuck” in her face first thing in the morning just almost as much as I appreciate almost killing myself on the way to work.

We had a Spring dinner the other night that was real hoot. I am sure Richard knows what is coming and will appreciate me telling the events so here goes. The Spring dinner was to be held on the Wed so after getting out of work I went straight there to help set the thing up. It was real good and I even managed to doctor the speech so I got a mention about how the whole thing would not have been possible without me, even though I was only supposed to sort out the English grammatical errors. So dinner went ahead as planned and the living legend that is Isaac had us all in stitches. No words I mention here will ever do justice too Isaac, just know the boy is hilarious. He claimed to win the raffle twice with the same ticket, physically impossible but he still had a few people going. He also got speaking to me so I missed the numbers called and then he told me I won, I was ecstatic and stood up only to hear the arse had made me out to be an idiot. I love him though. Without a doubt though the highlight of the evening was Richard singing Chinese opera… or maybe not. I told this bird Rich would love to sing but Rich replied “No, I can only sing Chinese opera”. Now believing that anyone in their right mind could smell that heap of bullshit even from across the waters nobody could have see what was coming next. This bird opted to stand and bang out a number for everyone and goddamn it she had the voice of an angel. She then said “I have a special someone who wants to come and join me”, now it did cross my mind for a split second she could mean Richy boy but I thought no way. Turns out she did mean Rich. Well the whole room exploded and I got to my feet and started yelling “Hoe ging” (it means very powerful in Cantonese) and joined the whole room as they clapped manically with every pair of eyes in that room on Rich. I could actually see Rich bricking it, as we grew louder the more he seemed to withdraw. His eyes darted around the room frantically as I could see this was his worst nightmare and he was praying this was not a reality. Then without warning the whole room fell into silence as we all anxiously waited to hear the words that would next come from his mouth. It was then Rich tried to get the word “No” out, but this simple word was beyond him at this point. Instead a high-pitched banshee whale come out that was the start of the word no but broke off to a really, really and I mean really high pitched girly sound. I was in fxxking stitches and I could tell from Richs face he was not impressed, I knew this was a massive strain on our friendship and at this point as he was calling me every variety of swear words he could muster. Thankfully after a while he looked back and laughed and later said he wished he had gone up and busted out some bollocks. To tell the truth I really wished he had as well because Chinese opera sounds like a conjunction of a cat being strangled and sexually abused at the same time, basically I see it as performing any random high pitched sound and getting a positive recognition for it. Come to think of it maybe that is what Rich was doing with the girly no.

My brother Brendan provided me with a giggle the other day. He is in the process of applying for uni’s and trying to land himself a decent offer. He has an eye for journalism as he is into drama, music, history and English. So he had a few decent offers and has been going out and about on these uni day things. He had his eye firmly set upon Bournemouth though and for good reason as well. The beaches, the birds, the facilities and the reputation it carries for journalism. Now the morning of what could be considered as one of the more important interviews he will partake in, I am guessing it was not the best time to take Night Nurse. Upon looking down to see what he had just dropped he realised that that Day Nurse packet was in fact a Night Nurse packet and he had just double dropped. When I heard the story I was bent double. How the feck could someone take clinically proven sleeping tablets before the most important interview of their lives to date! He informs me he got through the day after having some cringe worthy moments listening to other candidates speak before thinking, only for him to collapse in the car on the way home, out like a light.

P.S I seen the living legend that is Bjork and my God is she amazing. Big fat rave with fireworks, green laser and a brass band. What more could a boy possibly want?

P.P.S for all who are not familiar with the show Fonejacker please do yourselves a favour and watch it.

Much love, thank you and goodnight

Terry Tibbs

In late October one of the members of my team returned from a two week vacation in Canada along with the news that he’d be permanently relocating to Toronto for reasons that could easily justify a season of Dawson’s Creek alone. One of the major cinematic devices regularly employed for character development is circumstances that push the character beyond their limit, force them to deal with situations that s/he is not prepared for. Whether I was called into a meeting by my manager or a team of writers will probably never be known, but either way the result was that I would be taking over all of my team mate’s responsibilities. And I had a month to learn. Absolutely everything.

And so it was that for one month, five days a week, eleven hours a day I tried to absorb everything there was to know about Futures. I asked stupid questions, I made rookie mistakes, but I learnt. As quickly as November started it passed. Thomas left (and has actually vanished in an act which I’m sure implies that the writers mean to bring him back for a shock appearance before the end of my placement), Keith was on leave and there I was, sitting between my two bosses, praying to God that the phone didn’t ring. And of course as soon as you wish for something…

‘Futures, Rich speaking’

‘Who?’

‘Uh.. Rich, can I help you out at all?’

‘Yes. Do you know why the acronym on the acronym isn’t letting my acronym order through? Get back to me.’

~beeep~

…November was a huge challenge both on an intellectual and personal level. Problem solving is immeasurably harder with people screaming at you, letting you know just how IMPORTANT!! this is. Everything has to be done right. And more everything has to be done quickly. The very nature of support means you never know what’s coming; when you pick up the phone or run across the floor you have to be prepared for anything. Other people at the student residence don’t understand why I sleep earlier than anyone they’ve ever met, but in this line of work if things go wrong… PEOPLE DIE. Or, you know, shout a lot.

Through December the process of support became more and more familiar and our team began to work as one. If prices were slow I could see through Keith’s eyes and read Alex’s thoughts. If trader limits failed to replicate from London I could hear Ray contacting Rob or Phil, though that’s probably more for the fact that I sit two seats away from them. I was trusted with more and more important projects and the sense of ‘worth’ became one of the best aspects of the job. The distinction between ‘work colleague’ and ‘friend’ is of course noticeable and important when in the office and there are boundaries and hierarchies which need to be respected, but at times ‘friend’ seems more appropriate; given the amount of time we spend together and the experiences we share it’s sometimes difficult to feel otherwise. It’s the little things: the constant struggle we face every day in deciding what to have for lunch, timing Alex and Keith completing a Rubik’s Cube in ‘competition conditions’ and then taking just as long and with as much care and attention to randomize it for them, or in return for lessons in Cantonese (‘Could I have set meal two, please’, ‘It’s very cold’ etc) teaching the guys equally important English phrases (‘that’s what your mum said’, ‘that’s how we roll’ etc).

And then there are the more memorable moments such as when Peter Wan returned from Singapore to Hong Kong for a couple of days. Let me tell you about Peter Wan. If there’s one person that you don’t want to catch you wearing white socks to work because you’ve run out of black ones and figure ‘your trousers will cover them, no one will notice and who looks at your feet anyway?!’ it’s Peter Wan. After stopping dead and watching his eyes snap to my socks I knew it was all over. ‘Look what the kid’s wearing. Jimmy, come over here and look at this’. Then ‘Rich, come round and show Mandy the colour of your socks’. Before long the entire desk were calling me round for support which wasn’t needed so they could see. I started receiving emails with pictures of Michael Jackson and phone calls from traders in Singapore and Tokyo. I received messages through facebook: ‘How many people do you know who work in a bank, wear black shoes, dark trousers and WHITE socks ?. Richard Cohen global trendsetter.’ And to top things off, when the global head of Futures arrived in Hong Kong for his quarterly visit… guess what? I’ll be extremely surprised if Peter Wan didn’t do any interviews on British TV about it.

In late December Andrew (eldest sibling), Gary (Uncle) and Dad (er… Dad) arrived in Hong Kong for a visit on-location. Responding to the bad press generated by taking the family to Pizza Hut on their first night in Hong Kong last time, this time my close council (Alex, Joe) advised the opposite extreme - the restaurant ‘left of the two Broadways in Mong Kok and then another left after a couple of shops’. Posh name, posh place. Fried instant noodles, BBQ Chicken and a few dead flies later Dad and Andrew returned to the hotel to sleep off the jet-lag.

Though I had to work during the day, meeting up the following evening outside HSBC Dad, Andrew and I headed towards the Happy Valley racecourse with a very clear goal; win enough money so that we all never had to work ever again. I was wearing my lucky pair of work shoes, Dad had his lucky pen, Andrew his lucky digital camera… it was FATE. Nothing could go wrong. NOTHING could stand in our way. Aside from the fact that none of us knew anything about Horse racing.

After a ten minute explanation on how to actually go about betting on any of the horses by one of the officials, we drew to the most logical conclusion that we should bet on the top 3 favorites. I mean… they were the favorites. We were definitely missing something. We turned to a group of three standing next-to us and asked for their techniques and strategies for deciding which to go for. “Some people follow a particular Jockey. Some believe you can tell a lot by how the horse has been performing lately in training. Others say the best method is to analyze the excrement just before the race begins to tell how excited the horse is”… we decided to stick with the favorites. After the first race we then took another giant logical leap towards the key to victory: tactically bet on over half the horses running. And would you believe it…

The day before Gary flew in, Andrew, Dad and I went to ‘Ocean Park’, a marine-themed amusement park in the Southern District of Hong Kong Island. The park itself covers an area of 870,000 square meters and is connected by a gondola lift system as well as the world’s second longest outdoor escalator. Besides housing two roller coasters, Ocean Park also features a giant panda exhibit, a jelly fish and shark aquarium, as well as a four-story aquarium displaying more than 2,000 fishes. We thought we spotted the face of Bo in among them. Dad, Andrew and I began our adventure by queuing up to ride on the ‘Raging River’. Looking around everyone seemed to be donning water-proof and bullet-proof jackets in preparation. We were clearly amateurs. And what’s more, we were clearly going to get absolutely soaked. There was no way out. The only thing we could do was scream like a little girl and claim it was a manly war cry.

The following day after touring Festival Walk and City University we received word that Uncle Gary had arrived in Hong Kong. Once again turning to my closest aids for advice we headed towards Mong Kok for an all-you-can-eat Korean buffet, which essentially involved a LOT of meat. Barbequed. I’ve always liked Korea.

With Dad and Andrew flying back on Christmas Eve, we spent our last day together walking along Nathan Road, which runs from Tsim Sha Tsui to Mong Kok and is lined with as many tailors as it is paving stones. We retired that evening to the bar at Langham Place and said our goodbyes before Gary and I headed towards Tsim Sha Tsui and then took the Star ferry across to Central to welcome in Christmas with the help of the local preacher, who intoned ‘Christmas is a time for family, and Jesus IS family’.

The following day Gary and I met in Central for a lightning quick tour around HSBC. Well, that was the plan. I liked the idea, Gary liked it, Security didn’t. But of course being TV action heroes, did security REALLY think they could stand in our way? Before long we were in, though admittedly this was again more because we met two people that work with me on the way in and verified that we were indeed who we said we were. After visiting the trading floor, Gary was then determined to go to the top floor to see what was there. And so we set off and were to some degree successful until we met a sleeping security guard at which point we turned back and, because we knew this security also wouldn’t present a challenge to US, tip-toed silently down and out of the building.

When it was time for Gary to fly on to New Zealand it really defined the end of an era for me here. His visit was arranged prior to me flying out and I always knew it was coming. Even back then it marked the half way point of my time here. And looking back particularly over the past couple of months sure, there have been times when work has been tough. But nothing lasts forever… even cold November rain.

Until next time…

Rich

As they do so often on TV shows, let’s have a sneak peak of what’s…  Coming soon on The Blog:

The Chinese New Year

When Rich went to a My Chemical Romance concert…

Neih hou as we say over here in Hong Kong. So it has been a couple of weeks since my last blog and I decided to get on top of things sooner rather than later, that way I avoid rabbeting on like a jabbering coke fuelled buffoon.

Anyway a couple of Saturdays ago I was having a healthy game of football in our kitchen with Rich, Ronnie, David and myself. We were really giving it some for a little while when Ronnie’s friend Fannie entered the arena. Having invited us all to dinner we set off after Rich had powdered his nose We walked through Shep Kip Mei park which I have never done so before, and bloody hell it is more like a greenbelt than a park. It is mahoosive! So we ended up having a splendid dinner whereby I had a little meet and greet with many a face of old and new. Bellies full, homeward bound we all decided. Deciding was the easy part, getting there was a completely diff story :-/ It was when our group halved and split, and then further halved and split that I got a little worried. I have watched too much Blair Witch Project and Scooby Doo not to know what happens to stragglers. That said, keeping a close look over my shoulder for werewolves I pushed on. It is time like this I could really do with the Mystery Machine and Velma I had a right laugh bullshitting with everyone though, and we all made our way back to Ronnie’s room after shopping where we had a good chinwag before making our separate ways.
Sunday I played football and Richard joined us for the first time. It was good fun, especially seeing as the sun was beating down on us considering we have had our fair share of cold weather of late over here. I was bloody parched by the end of it all and knew I had a game the following night so I slept like a baby that night. We have put together a good sized team now to enter the tournament so we should all be kitted out pretty soon hopefully.
Monday I went straight back to Alan’s after work. I had a footie game that night and I opted to stay around his for the night. This may have been against my better judgement as I had a meeting with the head of my department the following day and I know that staying round Alan’s means not sleeping. Football match done, and cotching back at Alan’s I received a text from Rich. It read that someone had fallen from the roof of our apartment to his death and many people had seen the body. I realised this spelt big trouble as the Chinese are a very sensitive people in general. People have since left the hall with many of them planning not to return which is a terrible shame as many are my friends. There has been many a speculation since with each tale telling a diff story, the last briefing told by the school is that there was no drink or drugs involved and that he fell from his window. The crying shame is that the poor fellow from France had arrived in the country for no more than 24hrs before his demise so you can just imagine the poor people he left behind having to receive such grave news. My thoughts and well wishes are left with those who have had to bear the brunt and suffering of these unfortunate events.
The following day I arose early and went to fetch a fresh suit from my house before meeting Simon. Suited and booted I entered the workplace eagerly awaiting Simons arrival. Come 10:30am I met with Simon and things went swimmingly one could say. After I had divulged all to Simon and my boss I parted ways with Simon and agreed to meet with him for dinner whereby Richard would also join us. We had a slap-up meal courtesy of Simon which I am most grateful for before we all headed out to the renowned Ladies Market in order to buy some tat. Tat bought we said our piece to Simon and bid him a safe journey home and thanked him for taking the time out of his schedule in order to meet with us.
Wednesday I was knackered. The lack of sleep had once again reared its ugly head and yet I had made dinner arrangements with Matty baby and Alan. We had a brilliant dinner with Alan and I continuing our never ending rant about the new Mac Air being overly priced and how he is crazy buying 2 laptops in just as many weeks. I left the boys early that night as I couldn’t hack the arcades, mainly due to the thought my back would give out from the pain shooting through it :-/
Thursday was a monumental day. It was a day where the world stopped dead on its axis, refusing to go about its usual daily task of spinning. For Thursday was a day two Gods were to meet and do battle. Entering the ring on the red side “Rich” aka “The Muscles from Brussels” weighing in at 20lbs of pure muscle, and on the blue side “Joe” aka “The Fighting Irish” weighing in at 190lbs of pure steel. This was the day upon which I was going to claim the title of the ‘Badminton Elite’ from Richard. His 6 years of experience against my 6 months would only rouse me more. God I played my little socks off but it was futile, Rich one all 3 games by 1 pt. They were the best and most evenly matched games I have ever played against anyone and I bloody loved it. The fact that we were evenly matched just makes me want to beat him all the more so now. Watch this space, for Joe boy is coming to town soon again to duel the Sheriff once more.
1 dum dum, 2 dum dum, WAR, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing. What a load of bollocks, war is brilliant in the confines of a forest with BB guns and mates to shoot. That’s exactly what I got up to on Sunday as well. We rose early and made our way to Mong Kok where we would catch a coach to our destination. I was anticipating this day with great excitement, for I bloody love war games and believe I have enough tactics and sense up my sleeves to wipe out a small army single handedly, and to some extent that’s exactly what I did I was able to clear the obstacle courses faster than most and by God I def had a better killer instinct and was more rough and ready. I paired with another guy called David and together we obliterated the opposition. We both wiped out an entire team together for one match, and for another I killed 8 out of a team of 11 for another. I even met some tard who mistook me for a guy on his side, so I asked where his mates were, shot him, then shot all his mates before hitting the dirt and continuing with my barrage of bullets. Talk about fun, this is my definition of it. My gun also packed in so the master gave me his one, it had about 10x the power, range and rate of fire. My new piece and I floored everyone I captured the flag in the last match thanks to my baby and went away a very happy man. I also went back to some birds house called Lina with Ronnie and David. Jesus her house took my breath away. She had the good grace of asking her parents to cook for us and I was most grateful for her hospitality. She is a really nice girl and I had a riot of a day.
The following week was all well and good bar the worst day of my life. I awoke Tuesday morning after breaking my computer to find I also had a broken phone, now that was a nice well placed swift kick to the crotch. But God had not finished with me yet, no not by a long shot. He decided to really test me when my turtle tank spontaneously exploded all over my DVD’s, CD’s and my remote controls. I had decided not to take my bad fortune out on my turtles and opted to give them fresh water and food before I left for work, even though I was already tethering on the edge of lateness. It was then the said spontaneous explosion happened as I was carrying the tank back with them in it. I looked down and seen some poor shit scared turtles on their backs and all my electrical goods going for a good swim. Ticked off is a good word, fucking blind with rage is better though. I soaked the water up with my towel and was considering just doing away with my life and chucking myself under a bus. Thankfully I dried everything out and all works, I have half fixed my phone for now and retrieved all the data of my old hard drive. I have been out and about town since for a party or two and watched a film the other day with a friend so all is forgotten. Thank God!

P.S Happy birthday Sam, I love you darling. *They grow up so fast ;-)*

For now over and out.
Hoe ging Joe

Howdie Dodie people. Long time no blog. I work hard at my job between Mondays to Fridays, which means I have very little free time in which I can try to change the world. Saturday morning I dedicate 2 hours of my morning to help poor people build mud huts in the poorer districts of HK. I love poor people. By lunch time I am pretty exhausted, but this isn’t about me, it’s about what is right for humanity. That’s right, I then go back to work again where I help blind people read Braille. On Sundays I give up my evening in order to attend homes where owners are having problems with their pets. Ever since my birth parents abandoned me on the outskirts of a southeast asian tropical rainforest, I have been able to communicate with animals since my foster parents were both vowls! Obviously my services are not for sale, I do it as a term of service owed to a once great and thriving country. So now hopefully you see why I have been unable to detail the events I have undertook the last couple of months.

I finally got to Taiwan in December after having to wait for my boys Matt and Alan to finish their CFA exams. I don’t think it went so well for either of them. I say this is mainly due to the fact Alan decided not to turn up which probably will play havoc with his Grade Pint Average, Matt told me he had encountered problems also. Namely these problems were he claimed he knew nothing and decided to erratically press random buttons on his calculator whilst also writing down supposed answers and flying through the exam in order to scare all of the other people around him. Apparently it worked as he said everyone else around him was staring at him and was looking very nervous when he left the exam hall within 30 mins. When he told me of his plan I died laughing, at least he went out with a bang. The second part of the exam also seemed to harbour problems for him as well, he told me he fell asleep for 20 mins and answered 120 multiple choice questions in less than 5 mins after waking. Bearing in mind there were 240+ questions call me pessimistic but I cant see him walking away with that certificate anytime soon, but by God if he does nobody would ever have deserved it more than himself.

Taiwan was absolutely wicked, most certainly worth the wait. Me and the boys had 4 days and 3 nights over there and let me tell you Taiwanese women are bloody gorgeous. The general recipe was far too much food, far too much drink and plenty of laughs. We done our fair share of sight seeing but come night fall karaoke and the clubs were the order of the day. I had such a laugh with the boys; Matt is so funny he always cracks me up. Ever since me he moved to UBS we have had less contact but when I do meet with him I remember how hilarious the boys is, he always sorts me out when needs be. For me you can ask nothing more of a person than to be genuine and to have a sense of humour and Matt and Alan definitely fit the bill, thus we all had a right knees up. I also came back a very very broke man, I basically chucked all my funds at that holiday only to come home and find I had been landed a bill for my accommodation, only one word for that really…shitter. I learnt a valuable lesson though, lap dancing is expensive

I had returned from Taiwan to spend my Crimbo in HK, and what a Christmas it was. I had seen Santa in Taiwan and placed my order so I was eagerly awaiting his arrival. Christmas is pretty damn mental over here as well, just for the sheer numbers that turn up to things. The décor in Festival Walk is the best I have ever come across also, the tree was sponsored by Swarovski so you can just imagine how impressive it looked. If there was any means of me plugging in a hoover and plucking them crystals straight off the tree believe me I would currently be dictating this blog to one of my many maids who would be typing my every word. Sadly this is not the case and I am forced to type for myself. None the less the décor was still stifling, they had robots Huskies walking around with their owners, other robots ice-skating, robots bobsledding, dancing robots and several grottos. It was especially astounding when one day I turned up to see Santa being driven though the mall on a sleigh with a procession of elves, fairies, clowns on stilts etc. Santa then dismounted and led the procession from the bottom level upward meeting and greeting as he went. I decided to head to Lai Kwai Fong for the night as a good lash up beckoned and who was I to refuse? I had been off the booze for 6 months before I went to Taiwan as I was going off the rails before this in England and decided the straight and narrow was the only way I could do things, but this is Christmas and I am sure the birth of Christ deserves a drink or two. I can honestly say I have never in my 22 years on this earth seen such crowds. Lai Kwai Fong is the party district of HK and fxxk is the only word that does justice to what I seen that night. They were like sheep zig-zagging their way negotiating the ever winding rails that housed us all. Eventually when we climbed the hill low-and-behold we managed to gain entry to easily the best positioned bar, right slap bang on the top of the hill over-looking everything. To much money spent but what a bloody Christmas

New Year was also a good’en. I went to Causeway bay to watch the countdown in Times Square, this is the main attraction around the New Year so as you can imagine I seen sea after sea of Chinese faces. I was even considering yellowing up for it but I thought that might be a bit racist so I blacked up for it instead. We arrived nice and early in good steed so as to beat the crowds, we wished! The place was bloody bursting at the seams, thankfully we had arrived in time to be the first people to be let into the last container available to the public. It was in a prime position as well, that is just beside the stage and under the large screen with the infamous 5 apples that illuminate to count down the New Year, the apples also look like a massive phallus which I am surprised no-one noticed before I pointed it out :-/ I decided to go out with a bang later that night and what better way to do so than to wake up in an ambulance. I went out to some bar where everyone plays dice and card games, then one minute I was leaving the bathroom or so I thought and then I awoke in the same bathroom on a blood drenched floor. I was praying this was not my blood as there was a bloody lot of it so I put my hands to my head and the next sight I saw was blood running down my face and my hands and cloths soaked. I have had a fair few injuries before when labouring and acting a fool but Jesus I have never lost so much blood in my life. I crawled out of the bathroom and blacked out only to be awoken by a paramedic with me lying flat out in an ambulance. I refused to go to Hospital due to the cost of Health Care over here instead opting to get back to my bed ASAP. I spent the next 2 days in that bed barely able to move growing weaker and weaker until I decided I needed some normality back in my life so I headed off to work the following day. It took me a week before I finally felt normal again as I was constantly knackered during that week, whereas little sleep is normally something I can contend with no problem. All in all brilliant night but could have done without the hassle that followed it.

Lost my Nokia N95 a couple of weeks back which was a right pain the royal end. I had just stuck some new accessories into it a couple of days before hand so that was a lot of money gone up the swanie. Thankfully I back-up my photos or I would have been unable to suffer the loss and hung myself. I was out with a few mates for a really suave BBQ where we hired someone to cook for us and then afterwards we headed for some bar. All was well and good but they were on the whiskey, a spirit I personally have never liked mainly due to the inebriation process of become extremely arrogant and violent which is something I try to stay clear of when and where possible. So after being force fed whiskey (peer pressure of these little guys in unbelievable) I decided to hail a cab and head back because I had badminton the next morning and I really hate whiskey. I was laughing and joking with the driver showing off my Cantonese until I had reached my destination. It is then I realised the former friend of mine aka the taxi driver, was travelling with a little piece of my life in his back seat. So I phoned the phone and the dickhead had decided to knock it off, I thought that was the end of it until I seen him 20mins later. Turns out he didn’t know me though or so he claimed as dropped off his new fare. I took a little look around and there were some girls there, thus I didn’t want to give everyone the impression that some big gwailo is invading their country and killing their natives hence I didn’t drag him out the car and shake him down as much as I would have loved to. Instead I filed an amicable complaint and offered a reward but could not match the price the phone could be sold for. At least though I met some girls that same night who helped me in my time of need and we went on to become friends, then I met there friends and friends of their friends and now I nearly know all the foreigners at the hostel and some of them are real decent folk. So at least out of the dark came some light.

To much typing…must stop

Simon the placement co-ordinator is coming over tomorrow. He is head of CS back home so should be a laugh hopefully.

Lots of new friends now due to my lost phone which led to a tea party followed by a birthday party crashing, so more footie and sport than ever which is good because Alan is changing job this coming Feb and he will be sorely missed by myself. We are now planing a holiday together for the coming Easter, wohoo!

I have just today purchased a ticket to see Bjork in HK, thats just a little piece of awesome right there alone.

Lots more to write but not as much time in which to write it, so for now over and out. This gwailo Joe reporting from the big HK.

I finally got round to it. Hello and welcome my dearly beloved as my old headmaster used to say. I have been inundated with work the last few weeks and any stolen moments that I happen to find myself twiddling my thumbs I have decided to keep that way. This is due to the fact that I have seen enough of computers to last me a lifetime. I eat, sleep and drink computers, which I might add has been playing havoc with my digestive track. So it must be around 3 weeks or not far off since my last post. As you would expect from Hong Kong lots has happened but I will just fill you in with the vitals.

Sad farewells. We went out for a meal the other night. When I say we I refer to Rich, Lucio, our roommates and myself. Pizza Hut beckoned us and we obeyed. So there we were laughing and joking and then the boys dropped a motherload of a bombshell. They said they would be moving back home in Jan leaving us in no-mans-land as far as new housemates are concerned. Not forgetting the added value of having a duo called Dick Foam living next door; needless to say I was devastated. I left the meal in high-spirits which were ever-so slightly dampened with thoughts of losing the boys I have shared so many a joke with. Everyone around me seems to be leaving destined for new and better things, and not to get me wrong, I am grateful that my friends are climbing the ladder of life but still it is always sad to lose those who you hold close. Over the progressing weeks though I have found out the 2 prospective boys to fill their shoes and they are called Shingle and Soasshole respectively. So I guess all is not bad…its pretty hard to feel so disheartened when u know you can call the guys next door an asshole without him taking offence

Fanny Ho. I also went to support Sapphire in her choir the other day and talk about talent. Of course when I refer to talent I actually mean how fit all the women were (the signing was also quite good but let us not worry about that for now). I was sitting beside Dix and he stitched me badly by telling everyone who could hear I wanted to “Bang Bang” the bird doing the solo as he so eloquently put it. It was actually that feckers suggestion and he beat me to the punch by proclaiming I said it saving himself embarrassment as I was about to land him in it and call her over :-/ Highlight of the evening was when I was reading through the choir programme and found one of the singers is called Fanny Ho. Rather unfortunate combination of names there if you ask me. I think her parents wanted a boy instead

Running on empty. I have been deprived of sleep more than I have ever been before. This poor internal battery has been deprived of a chance for a full recharge for a long time but yet I still keep chugging along. I have had horrendous sleeps and of late this is due to the iPhone. I totally fxxked it up not so long ago and then spent the weekend hacking it again, only seeing my bed at 8 in the morning both Saturday and Sunday before I finally got it up and running again. This triumphant effort was short lived though as being the fool I am I decided to try and update and hack the latest firmware the following day in work, believe me easier said than done. I had bricked the iPhone again within only a matter of minutes. I was so pissed off at this point you can barely imagine, all my hard efforts down the drain. I went out after work with Gary and bought Time Crisis 4 with the gun for PS3 in order to cheer myself up before retiring home. After finally reversing all the extra complications the new update had caused before hacking into the iPhone again I found it was 6 in the morning. With little to no point in sleeping as I had to get ready for work in 1 hr I decided to kill some mofos with a little help from my gun and Time Crisis. You would think the following day I would surely catch up with my bed but no. Instead I went out for dinner after work with Alan and ended up getting home late and finally dozing off for a little while (not long enough). Now the following events are a little hazy but it seems I woke at 2 and somehow found myself in a taxi at 3 in the morn going to watch the footie with Alan around his house in Lam Tin which I ages away. I don’t know what possessed me as I bloody hate Man U but I think it was the offer of expensive cookies and muffins I again fell into a light slumber at 6 in the morning and had to wake at 7 before shipping off to work from Alan’s place. I had a team lunch that day that was to be followed by a dinner that evening to which all the top dogs were also attend, I was in no fit state to wag let alone show my face in front of all the CEO’s etc. Cut a long story short I went home, got shaved, got suited and booted and made a bee-line to meet Alan as we had planned to attend the dinner together. I won third prize in the raffle, an Agnes B cap, which I know sounds a bit of a cop-out but at least it’s worth a few bob-or-two so all in all I am glad I dragged myself there 
Wish there were more Fridays in a week. Today life is good, for it is a Friday. It is pretty hard to have a bad Friday as it normally spells the end of the working week for most. As I have said I have been very busy of late. There are several new projects being undertaken at work and the workload has grown so heavy it is enough to break a camels back :-/ I have had formal dinners to attend left, right and centre, I was doing voluntary work teaching English yesterday, I have another formal dinner tonight with Matt, I have basketball tomorrow followed by snooker afterwards, I have lunch with Dick-Foam Sun (we are all getting our haircut together) and then shopping with Gary in the afternoon before sleeping around his Sunday night before he goes to India on a business trip Monday. At the time I have posted this blog it is now Monday again, I also didn’t manage to make it back to my bed over the weekend. I slept round Matt’s on Fri, Alan’s on Sat and Gary’s on Sun.
Taiwan here I come. T-minus 21,600 minutes and counting until my holiday to Taiwan. Well that is how many minutes away it is from this moment in time anyway I am looking forward to my well deserved holiday, work over here is non-stop! I have always been one for working hard and playing hard but work is trying to kill the latter of the two. I will not accept work overcoming my social life though, thus I feel like I never get a moments rest. This will all change in my 4 days of paradise though. Sleep, drink and eat. Quite similar to the life of a dog really, but just will involve a lot less fur and hopefully no bitches.

Tis the season to be jolly. Soon approaching is the time when good old Saint Nick should be visiting all the boys and girls who have been good this year. I know it will be hard for him to deliver that Ferrari to me since we currently don’t own a chimney, but I have faith. Christmas is a time I have always loved, although I find it a bit disconcerting with Hong Kong having never experienced snow but hey, you can’t have bread, butter and jam (although this may actually be factually incorrect, I am led to believe that it is possible to purchase all 3 in Hong Kong) I have spent every Christmas to date with my family. I am sure I will enjoy Christmas do not get me wrong, but it will pale in comparison to a Christmas spent with those I love (For those who know me they prob have seen through the façade, I will surely miss the presents more ) I just hope those gifts make it here on time

Well I think that sums up what I can think of from the top of my head. Just a few more stories and facts and I am done.

I seen a car park called Nob Hill car park the other day.

Pulled a brilliant one off not so long ago. Rich was reading something (for some reason I think it may have even been Harry Potter ) in a lift in Sham Shai Po behind some guy. I leaned across and pinched the guys arse in front of Rich and watched as the man in question turned round and looked at Rich with utter disgust like he was the world’s biggest dirty pervert. Rich was oblivious to what had just happened as his head was buried deep into his book which just made it look more so like he had just done it and now was covering up. Rich was still reading throughout the whole thing and as the guy left the lift he gave one last turn to eye up Rich before he stormed off. Pure classic.

I got Rich lovely again when we were exiting the train not so long ago. Just as he was exiting I ran and trust my arms under his armpits to make it look like my arms were in fact his arms and started trying to clutch and grab anything available to me as people were trying to board the train. The women were jumping backwards from Richard thinking he was fxxking mental and the look on all their faces was so worth it

Hong Kong people are mad for stocks and shares. That’s all I hear around me in JPMorgan, people cursing the markets. I think because the salary is relatively low around here everyone is trying to make a fast buck.

Wassabi a Japanese ingredient mixed with soya bean sauce to be used with sushi can instantly put hairs on your chest while removing them from your nostrils at the same time.

                Hello again Peeps. Where in Gods great name does the time go? It is nearing the end of the month and upon reviewing my last update of events I realised nearly a whole month has since passed, yet it feels like only yesterday I was spilling my guts. I guess all the coming and going of late has had me a little preoccupied. I say this because my beloved chiseen family have since came over to Hong Kong to see their eldest bother and son respectively. Now I know most people get on well with their family, but my family and I are in a different league (I do not care for modesty in this department, I love my family more than life itself and will scream it from the rooftops if needs be). It is not a case of relatives, but more a group of best friends who also happen to share a common surname. My brothers Bren and Dessie are by far the funniest people I have ever met, a guaranteed laugh a minute. My sister Sammy Jo who is the youngest and therefore has had to grow up well before her time (I do not mean this statement to imply any negative connotations as she is a sweetheart), for she has learnt to deal with 3 elder brothers who prob show her a rougher time than she deserves but love her more than she will ever know. A mention also for my dearly cherished mother, for she is a person for whom I cannot even begin to express the extent and depth of my respect and admiration towards. This is not forgetting poor Pops who unfortunately could not join the rest of the family on their quest, but yet still a man who I also hold the utmost respect toward for everything he has done and sacrificed for me over the years (including his profession in the adult entertainment industry ). Anyway enough brown nosing, I think I have done enough to secure a decent heritage. Thus onward we go…

                So as you know Mickey was over from the 22nd Sept – 3rd Oct, after which things returned somewhat to a degree of what could be called normality, this was short-lived though unto the arrival of the A-team. For the A-team were to fly in the 18th Oct and were to stay 1 week (7 days in layman’s terms) thus departing on the 26th Oct 0035hrs. Seeing as I had an action packed 11 days with Mick I knew I had a lot of cramming to do in order to show the A-team the true HK in 7 days (rather than the tourists idealistic impression that HK projects). I am unsure as to others preferences, but when I visit a different culture I would rather submerge myself and see what the true lifestyle of the locals is like rather than the rose tinted impression more likely to be given to those who visit. The team had timed it perfect too, choosing to fly in on a Thur with the following day (Friday in layman’s terms) being a public holiday meant I could optimise the time spent with the crew. I have limited annual leave (12 days for the year in fact) so I have to pick and choose my days wisely, otherwise poor little Joe will be left high and dry when it comes to exploring Asia with the boys. I decided though that if there was ever a worthy cause to take annual leave then someone choosing to fly around the globe to the other side warrants as such. Therefore I took ½ day’s annual leave Thur in order to meet the bludclots. After waiting 10 or 15 mins I then saw little Brendoni and Muj making haste up Arrival Hall B’s runway, Mondi and Sammy bringing up the rear. I don’t know what happened but I felt really sad for no good reason. I think I was so happy I was upset or something but it felt strange, unexplainable in fact. After saying “Hi”, choking back the worst of these strange emotions I saw that Muj was also overcome. I snapped out of it fairly fast thinking ‘Jesus, my brothers must think I am such an arse’ and the less said about it the better. So I helped them with their bags and we boarded the infamous E22 bus heading for a little place I like to call home, Kowloon Tong.

                Tsim Sha Tsui. After we arrived in Tsim Sha Tsui I knew we were already racing against the clock. As I said earlier I was running a tight ship and had no intention of wasting even 1 precious minute. I had piped up and asked “Anyone jetlagged?” to which everyone replied “No”. I then informed the So Solid Crew that we had plans right from the word GO and that we were to stop-and-drop at the hostel, then we were meeting Gary ASAP (Another Short Acronymic Phrase :-) ) for some grub in a real good Japanese restaurant that is so well hidden a trail of breadcrumbs is required in order to find our way back out. What’s good enough for Hansel and Gretel is good enough for me. Actually saying that I was just thinking Hansel and Gretel probably led a better life than me, I know they almost got cooked and had a serious bint for a stepmother but she died and they ended-up loaded. Plus I am yet to discover an edible house which in my eyes is the definition of living the dream unless you are the owner and wind up on the receiving end of a serial muncher trying to single-handedly eat you out of house-and-home (I wonder if that’s where the phrase eat-someone-out-of-house-and-home came from? hmmm). Know I am sidetracking a little now but if anyone can steer me in the right direction or knows of any such edible haunt then please let me know for some serious kudos. Anyway so we dropped off the said luggage and made haste to meet Gary. We walked and talked and I think the team were on the whole engrossed by the atmosphere. Together the Jackson 5 + Gary strolled and I let them absorb as much of the surroundings as can possibly be done on a first trip to an alien culture. We eventually found ourselves sitting at the restaurant aforementioned, of which I had visited on only 1 occasion beforehand having Michelle in-tow at the time. We ordered some noodles, soft crab, octopus, seaweed and so forth, for which credit due most of the A-team could handle. Poor B. A. Baracus (Sammy Jo in layman’s terms) was struggling to come to terms with wolfing-down such culinery delights though, consequently this grave day was to mark the beginning of an uphill struggle with B.A to eat other foods beside McDonalds. I am not an unreasonable man, of course I realise there is going to be somewhat of a struggle in order to get others to explore new things whilst trying best to avoid crossing into the realms of horror and aprehension. Needless to say but I better anyway, the meal was pukka as Mr. Oliver would say (he is such a tit). With appetites satisfied we found ourselves strolling toward Victoria Harbour to meet Garys bird, Vicky. From here we would walk the peir and traverse the Avenue of Stars. We looked across toward Hong Kong Island and I knew my family were in awe, as was I too when first witnessing this great island and realising just how busy, beautiful and built-up this civilisation is.

                God said let there be hotpot. Feeling quite happy I had sucessfully fulfilled my obligated duty toward my family, (that being to leave them going to bed slack-jawed with awe) I planed a course of action for the public holiday. Now let me tell you this, public holidays in Hong Kong tend to mean everything is very busy. This is not to be confused for your normal run-of-the-mill busy you would expect within the West, but instead more of a chock-a-block can’t see your hand in front of your face for want of crowds kind of busy. So I had to be tactical, we wanted to have fun but without the need to queue for 24hrs in order to do so. Thus ‘Mong Kok’, ‘Food’ and ‘Hotpot’ were words that sprang to mind. Given that Mong Kok is considered to have the highest population density in the world, you can only begin to imagine what this place must look like on a public holiday. There are people everywhere, faces of all shapes and sizes, in the road, on the pavement (not that you can see where the pavement ends and the road begins) and I swear I even saw one guy flying (and if you are reading this Clark Kent, then yeah I’m on to you). So after negotiating the raging crowds I brought the A-team to one of my favourite haunts, Mong Kok hotpot. Hotpot over here is a means of the customer becoming the chef; this is done by means of the customer cooking for themselves via a saucepan containing boiling soup in which to cook at their own leisure. Job done, bellies full, we made our way back to Festival Walk. I love Festival Walk as you may have picked up from my previous blogs; I even liken it to entering the Pearly Gates for the first time. I am pretty sure it must be one of the larger complexes my family have witnessed, then again though most of them are well travelled and only they themselves are the one who can truly verify this statement (For the sake of argument though, we will say I am correct and that Festival Walk is in actual fact Heaven itself :-) ). Upon entering my haven we had a little browse, the main intention of our expedition though was to visit Room 205A, Hall 1, CityU residence, a little place I like to call Room 205A. I think the boys were impressed my collection of gizmos, most of which I must credit to reckless spending :-). B.A stole my NDS lite for Mario Kart, Muj was playing Mahjong, consequently leaving me to teach Des what death feels like via ‘Resistance Fall Of Man’ on PS3, only then to go on and receive an almighty penetrating defeat from Brendan. Having the A-team at your house feels great as you can imagine, but I had to tread carefully though as the corridor was dangerous territory. Richard the king of bludclots had decided to inform the corridor that Brendan was a superstar. Granted Bren has done a bit of work in films and TV back home such as continuity in Harry Potter, an episode of the Bill, some work in Coming Down the Mountain and various other bits and bobs. Fair play to him he has done well and is better off than I was at his age despite me working harder and from a younger age. I still think movie star is maybe stretching the truth a little bit too far though. Now Rich had wound the whole corridor up, in particular this poor girl called Becky who is so gullible I reckon I could convince her I was a pregnant black woman if needs be. This Becky is chiseen (Cantonese for crazy) to say the very least. She harassed me to breaking point for weeks in order to ascertain my word that Brendan will pose for a picture with her, even though Richard had previously told her not to worry as Bren carries around pre-autographed pictures on his travels. My counter strike was to convince everyone that Richards dad was the black guy from Lethal Weapon. No persuasion skills were required, for they all believed Richard had a black dad and a black twin even though he is whiter than white! I am serious aswell, people were actually saying “Yeah, I have heard of this skin disorder before.” I mean even I have seen a couple of cases of mismatched coloured twins on the news before but for Rich to be one of them is ridiculous.

                Mong Kok. Friday came and went and I must say I found solace in the form of sharing a room with my chiseen family. The room was grand with plenty of room for the whole Jackson 5 brigade. For reason of provocation alone I just thought I would mention Brendan being a stubborn tit as far as bed sharing is concerned (I can just imagine his little outburst now in my head) :-). So up we woke and ventured forth to Kowloon Tong station, this time to embark on my daily routine known as the KCR. Shatin (New Territories) was our destination, for here resides my work place, JPMorgan. Its not everyday you can say you have gone to work with the A-team, but I can hold my head high knowing I have :-). The A-team as I had guessed beforehand could not enter the actual workplace, more so only the building. Against Murdocks best wishes I decided not break the motherlicker refusing us entry, deciding instead to let him live to tell the tale of the A-team. Afterwards I decided to bring the team to Sham Shiu Po with the intention of visiting the Golden Computer Arcade. For the Golden Computer Arcade is the actual heaven for all deceased geeks! Knowing my mother prob would have as much interest in this place as she does playing Russian Roulette, I decided to make this a quick pit stop thinking it would benefit the boys only. The GCA has everything from the innards of any lead known to man, sexy DVDs (as Raymond used to call them), every console ever made, any software you require, along with a great great number of computers and accessories. I cannot vouch for my mum but I am sure even she must appreciate how overwhelmingly well catered for this place is. I could see the boys were “loving it” as MaccyD’s would say and to my surprise it was actually Sam who made the purchase of the day. Finally deciding upon the new Nintendo DS lite and R4 cartridge we paid the man and continued our tour of this place that is unlike no other. After I had decided against purchasing some Clint Eastwood films which I now truly regret, (Clint Eastwood is the man, I even heard it rumoured he invented sex!). Following our pleasant trip to geek heaven we made way for Mong Kok where I had arranged to meet Alan and his soon to be girlfriend Winnie. Alan had booked a table for us in a nice restaurant and after meeting him he took us for a spot of shopping before we had some grub. I must say I have fallen in love with the chairs in the Sony shop along with a laptop that weighs no more than digestive biscuit. The food was gorgeous, (dim sum, octopus vegetables, spring rolls) well at least most of us thought so, little B.A was again having problems adjusting to anything. I must say my boy Alan has never failed me; he is the most genuine person I have ever met in my life. I rely on him as I would a brother and he has always come through for me. My gratitude toward him is immeasurable. Do not get me wrong I am easy going person and will make friends in any neck of the woods, but never did I guess I would come to other side of the world and make such friends that share a common sense of humour and interests. Everyday over here is damn good fun, I actually prefer it to the West.

                The Sabbath. We had pizza hut, pizza hut is good. Job done.

                香港海洋公園. Monday we rose nice and early. We had an objective, Ocean Park. For if ever there was an incentive to do something, I believe going to see Pandas is up there with the best of them. So we woke and washed our teeth and privates, (each done our own separately, I may be close with my family but I have to draw the line somewhere) and headed out to Tsim Sha Tsui in order to change some AE travelers cheques into some dosh ready for the big spend. Cheques changed we headed for the MTR toward Admiralty from which we would purchase all-round tickets for Ocean Park including travel for me and the chiseen family. We arrived there at around 10:45 and made our way through the turnstiles to be greeted by the flamingos, well when I say greeted they didn’t actually offer me their hands in friendship nor did we manage either to engage in a riveting conversation. Nevertheless I enjoyed the flamingos; they are quite interesting as far as pink birds go. Upon reviewing the Ocean Park map I realized the parks layout is in-fact split into 2 main parks connected via cable car. As luck would have it we happened to be brought via the bus to the more entertaining of the 2 available parks, I say more entertaining because this park catered more so for the adult. We checked out the reef, went on the detonator twice, (I like heights but still shat myself at the height we reached before plummeting and feeling nothing but weightlessness) checked the ferris wheel while my brother Brendan got chatted up and complimented on his forearm muscles by a man in a turban (if your reading this Bren I hope your relationship blossoms but don’t forget where your loyalties lie, you’re a Catholic and don’t you forget it). We ended up taking the whole day just to cover our side of the park and never got the opportunity to check out the pandas, as by the time we reached the other park things were shutting up for the night. Fret we did not though, as we had a brilliant time and I guess now we will have to do the other side of the park when they next come over. Plus who needs pandas when you have found the love of your life such as Brendan did that day. Greatest memoir of the day was watching the dolphin and seal show, who ever knew animal cruelty could be such fun?

                Times Square. Tuesday happened to rear its ugly head, and with it it had brought me work. I must admit though work seems to fly by when you know you have your family buzzing around somewhere in Hong Kong. I picked up an iTouch for Desmond on my lunch break aswell, knowing full well that his little face would be a picture of happiness when it had reached its soon to be owner. So when work was done and dusted, I made my way toward Tsim Sha Tsui. I phoned Brendan to tell him I was on the way only to find that they were in fact located in Kowolon Tong having a little ice-skate. Thus I boarded the KCR and made way for Festival Walk the home of the aforementioned ice rink. B.A, Murdock and the Face were skating away, I must say aswell I am surprised as to their ability on the blades. I watched Bren get creamed in a race by Dessie and then try to blame it on a poor defenseless kid :-). I know Brendan to well by now, fearing he was losing he started to career toward a poor young child in a vain attempt to lash out and blame someone other than himself for his failings. Shame on you Brendan Anyway Muj and I in the mean time had decided to catch some tea and I had a dessert. Forgetting why I hated Earl Grey I made the grave mistake of ordering a cup. Early Grey is by far the ponciest tea known to man, it tastes and smells like withering flowers of some kind with a touch of perfume chucked in just incase someone actually could stand the taste of withered flowers. So when the boys and Sam got off the ice we made our way to Causeway bay (Hong Kong Island) where I had prearranged to meet Alan, Winnie, Matt and Kates to join us for dinner in Times Square. We had a marvelous meal and talk about suave, black truffle pizza and wafer thin parma ham accompanied with strawberries and cream were my favourites. Alan had to abscond from the meal early as he had a football match just round the corner and with him Winnie also left. After settling up the bill Matt, Kates, Chiseen family and I left headed towards the pitch at where Alan would be playing. Little Alan is like lightening, I thought Des was quite fast doing 100 meters in 12 seconds but Alan says he has done it in 11. When you watch this rocket take off believe me you will hold little doubt as to whether or not this is true, I must admit in full flow Alan makes me laugh as I liken his movements to a steam train hurtling down a hill after derailment :-). My boy changed and we proceeded toward the arcade with the A-team in-tow but not before he put one in the back of the net though. In the arcade I played air-hockey with Matt, Bren and Des and not to toot-my-own-horn or anything but I think I am possibly the best air-hockey player in the world. Bren and I emerged victorious from our first paired bout but happened to lose when I decided to let Bren actually touch the puck in the second game, lesson learned (do not let Bren touch the puck) I decided to bite my bottom lip for at least I know how good I am I also happened to revisit my youth that day aswell via a little game I like to call Time Crisis. For those of you who do not know Time Crisis let me first say shame on you and secondly here are the details: It is a game that requires foot, hand and eye coordination and also a knack for teamwork when played with a fellow person. You take on the role of a cop trying to free some bird I think (I cant really remember, I had a gun in my hand for the rest are just minor details) and let me tell the word “Reload” has never been said with as much coolness and passion as it has within the confines of this game. Alan and Winnie were busy with Sam and Mum in the meantime, spending a small fortune on a bullseye game intent on trying to clear out the prize shelf . After we left it was already nearing 1 in the morning so we caught some desert before catching a taxi bound for home (seeing as the MTR had ceased at around 12:30). It was at this desert I made my family sample Durian (the so-called King of Fruits) and to be fair it was not as bad as my previous attempts at necking this pile of pig shit but nonetheless its very presence and smell was enough to offend those around. You have to check out Durian when you come to the East as any guide you read will tell you. It is often said the trip alone should be made in order to sample this most unique of fruits and at least the family can say now they have sampled pig shit :-).

                The Peak. Wednesday was a day for breaking the bank. From the word go the day was to be a spend-athon. It was Muj who was first in the queue to flash the cash in the direction of a new digital camera. After a little research and guidance from those in-the-know we opted for a Cannon voted numero uno and for good reason too I discovered after playing with it. We decided against the Sony despite its aesthetically pleasing appearance owing to the fact that was the only thing it had going for it, picture quality and LCD screen were major drawbacks :-). With the camera bought we headed back to the hostel quickly in Tsim Sha Tsui to drop off our purchase before pressing on to Victoria Harbour. The main objective being a 20 min walk away toward the Star Ferry from which we could catch… you guessed it a ferry :-). The ferry is traveling in style to say the least, and considering it costs just 16pence I think that’s value for money that would even have ASDA blushing. So across the water we went, after which we hopped on a bus that brought us upto The Peak. The initial plan was to buss it to the tram and from here tram it up to the The Peak. To cut long story short, somehow, someway, I fell asleep and woke-up at The Peak, don’t get me wrong I am not complaining I just think it a little unusual to say the least. At The Peak me and the family entered the EA department that had every EA game worth a look in available to play, so me and the fam rinsed that place off. Footie, Mahjong, The Sims, you name it and we played it :-). The highest point (hence The Peak) in Hong Kong is now a familiar sight to me, for I know it like the back of my hand. I even began my usual recital thus spieling off the number of dogs I have counted over time in a house just visible in the distance, only then did I discover 2 more to add to my collection. Either that house must be some kind of breeding ground for dogs, or, the dogs in Hong Kong have some kind of insatiable sexual appetite :-). Once we had had enough of the altitude we made our way back down the colossal descent toward Mong Kok. Once we were in Mong Kok we met with Alan who accompanied Bren to buy an iPhone. If there ever was one tool any man in his life needs, believe me when I say it is an iPhone. The device is unreal, I can honestly say sometimes months pass without picking up my PC due to the fact I have a user-friendly one in the form of the iPhone. Bren also picked up an NDS lite with an R4 cartridge before we all busted a move toward Langham Place to play the arcade bullseye game again. As luck would have it Des entered some kind of gamble with his tokens and managed to win $100 straight off without even spending a cent :-). Games, Sights and Gambling done the A-team decided to bring an end to this chapter and we headed home ready for the big pack.

                And God said let there be Playstation 3. We moved all our belongings from Tsim Sha Tsui to my apartment in Kowloon Tong, this was because the E22 bus runs via my ghetto straight to the airport where I would soon be seeing off the A-team. There was one issue to resolve beforehand though; Dessie despite his best efforts was finding it hard to pick up a good deal on the Playstation 3. Cue the arrival of our super hero Alan, for if ever there lived a man who knew the whereabouts and function of every printed circuit board in existence believe me when I say it is Alan. He was working but made a few phone calls and before we knew it the Jackson 5 were leaving Mong Kok with Playstation 3 in hands. When the time came I accompanied the family to the airport and had the last supper with them before they were to board the plane, destination The West. I left my family at the boarding gates feeling as if someone had just tore a great gaping hole through my heart. I love my family and am so grateful they took the time to come over and visit me. I had such a laugh with them as I had expected (Gerard getting a E in Art springs to mind ), and even though my Dad could not make it he had written a card which means more to me than can be said in words. I love each and every one of them with a love that is unrivalled and not a day goes by when I do not lend my thoughts to them.

                Well judging by the length of the above I think I have just rewritten the bible to be fair. Well fair enough I haven’t walked on water (yet) but this bible is surely more exciting. Jesus never had a PS3 or even a PS1 for that matter, and if he did it was surely not well documented. Although I could think of no better way to choose disciples than a knockout tournament of Pro Evo Soccer

                Side note to everyone in the world. Never ever ever, and I repeat never ever trust Desmond Daniel Heaney with your turtle(s). For this God damn PK dropped mine from a severe height, the equivalent of a human falling from Canary Wharf Tower. The poor thing is still shell-shocked to this day.

Peace and love people
Overseas Joe

Richard Cohen ……… as…… himself

Guest starring…

Ivor Cohen ……………as……… Dad
Joanne Cohen …………as………Mum
Sophie Cohen …………as………Soph
Steven Cohen …………as ………Steve

Over the past couple of months the Manchester City, Liverpool and Chelsea football teams have all come to Hong Kong in the hope of boosting support here, and while they’ve been successful to varying degrees (I think City might have actually decreased theirs) it was now time for: Team Cohen. Now, I am probably the most ill-suited tour guide on the planet; in fact my sense of direction is so notorious that my friends both in London and Kent prefer to direct me home when they are extremely, extremely drunk and can hardly walk lest we end up on the wrong side of the country. However with a Path Finder and his apprentice on the way I felt confident I’d be able to fluke my way around Hong Kong and actually follow them.

After receiving a phone call to say that the team had arrived safely, had collected their luggage and were now in their rooms at the hotel, I headed towards Langham Place - a shopping mall, hotel and office tower complex in the heart of Mong Kok. Upon entering the hotel I was asked by three separate people if they could offer me any assistance on my walk to the lift (I declined all such offers without explaining that I’d been walking for almost 21 years now) however as my journey drew to a close I did accept the offer by the ‘pink lady’ to press the lift button for me, and then to press the button of the floor I wished to go to. Without meaning to sound like I’m employed by Langham, it is without doubt the nicest hotel I’ve ever been to. It is heralded as “Best New City Hotel” by TTG Asia and for good reason - it is equipped with 42-inch plasma TV screens in every room, a fitness studio, a rooftop heated swimming pool and four restaurants. You are even given a ‘pillow menu’ to choose your preferred pillows to sleep on! But then again, I guess most of this was also true in Vauxhall Avenue in Kent.

I actually found it to be a slightly strange feeling walking into a room and being greeted by the family after a three month absence, looking at the familiar faces smiling back which were also now somehow slightly unfamiliar. Keeping in contact via the Internet and phone is one thing, but actually seeing people is quite another. After catching up and despite their exhaustion after the twelve hour plane journey I was determined to take them out for a meal, and so being in Hong Kong and in order to introduce them to the local cuisine for the first time Team Cohen first went to… Pizza Hut.

…no, that wasn’t a joke.

…really.

After the meal we started to plan a rough schedule for the week and established through a conversation conducted entirely in yawns that the priority for most people seemed to be sleep. I had to work the next day, but before leaving I advised everyone to walk around Mong Kok and to soak up the atmosphere.

When we next met, Dad and Steve had four fake Rolexes and ten custom-made suits between them, while Mum and Soph boasted several “genuine silk” garments. Ok, none of this is true, but from their reports it wasn’t due to any lack of effort on behalf of the market sellers; the place sounded as lively as ever. The market is definitely, definitely a place to haggle over prices; you can usually reduce any item to a mere fraction of the original price (I’m fairly certain it’s actually possible to come away with the item and have them pay you for it) and from the sound of things The Team performed well as a unit. Sensing that everyone was now feeling slightly more adventurous we headed towards Central for dinner. Of course this meant travelling on the MTR and so it was that four Octopus tickets for the price of half an Oyster ticket later everyone was standing on the Hong Kong public transport, gaping and pointing. It’s pretty easy to spot a tourist just by judging a person’s reaction on the train, if the s/he is content then s/he is a local – if a person looks slightly bewildered as to why they haven’t been delayed yet, or are looking at the flashing lights or LCD TV’s they’re not. Also, looking ‘Western’ is quite a big giveaway if you’re playing this game and are looking for pointers. Upon arriving at Central we stopped by the HSBC building and had a brief tour of the square and fountains next to which I eat my lunch every day, before starting off for Lan Kwai Fong, a place I had only been to once before. Lan Kwai Fong is a small square of streets in Central which is now a popular expatriate haunt in Hong Kong for drinking, clubbing and dining. One of my work colleagues had led me there during my first week back in July, and obviously I now had hardly any idea where it was. Without divulging this information to my tour group and loyal followers I suggested we “head this way” then “this way looks familiar…”, “yes, this is definitely right…”. I’m fairly certain Dad worked out we were progressing in a slightly circular direction but eventually, somehow, we found our way to the dining area. Well, I say we found our way to the dining area; in actuality as soon as we entered its vicinity we were attacked by representatives from each restaurant. I glanced nervously around at Mum, who said “you first”. I gulped, took one small stepped forward and: “SIR!. Try some Shanghai cuisine perfect for Americans”, “Sir, I have great deal you, only you, come this way, come, come”, “Follow me Sir, they all try to trick you”. I headed towards Vietnamese and Thai place, and was rewarded with a beaming smile and “you are a very, very wise man with a beautiful family” from the representative.

I ordered my favourite Vietnamese food: raw beef soup (the beef is actually cooked by the soup by the time you eat it), while Sophie chose to go for the spicy chicken even though she doesn’t like spicy food, Mum for the chicken rice and a random coconut drink which turned out to be spectacular, Dad for the duck and Steve for some fish. Before receiving our food though, a chopstick demonstration was required, and I’ll leave it to your imagination how foreign we all looked eating our dinner, with loud cheers every time food and mouth connected. After finishing, we walked back through Central and admired some of the more elaborate buildings the Hong Kong skyline has to offer.

The following morning it was time for Kowloon Tong and Festival Walk. Walking into Festival Walk for the first time still remains a highlight of my time here and I agree wholeheartedly with all praise it receives for its spaciousness and its public amenities. I absolutely love it. In fact the only criticism I have ever read is that its “array of escalators are confusing and unwisely planned”, however in my opinion it’s all part of the fun not knowing where you’re going to end up… I’m quite used to that feeling anyway. Thinking about it, in the three months I’ve been here I’ve been to Festival Walk every single day. Heading up to the food court we split up, half of us choosing to get some Japanese rice, the other half choosing KFC. After lunch we battled up the hill From Festival Walk to the City University of Hong Kong student residence where Joe and I are living this year. This hill presents a test of endurance that the bleep test can only dream of matching. If I did no other sport during my time here but walked up that hill every day I’d consider myself to be at the peak of fitness. Sapphire and Bryan, two of the people on my floor are members of the Residents Association in our hall, and when asked if I had any suggestions on how they could improve things, I’ve asked them if during this year they could construct a tram line going up the hill. I believe that an official response from the President of the Committee is currently being written. I’ll keep you updated!

After finally making it up the hill and a few victory speeches later we arrived at and entered my hall (there are eight in total), signed in at security and somehow managed to enter the elevator without the aid of the pink lady. Despite my love for the campus at Kent, particularly the atmosphere created by my group of friends at Rutherford College at night time, I have grown to prefer the living conditions here: the corridors are longer and brighter, the rooms are larger and the kitchen facilities are far, far superior. We took a brief tour of the kitchen before settling in my room, which was of course, tidy by pure coincidence. After chilling out for a while, we went up to admire the view from the top floor, before heading back out of the student residence towards the MTR Station in Festival Walk, choosing this time to go via the main University Campus to see the swimming pool and library, with the eventual destination somewhere with an even better view: Victoria Peak.

Travelling to Hong Kong without visiting ‘the peak’ is like travelling to New York without visiting the Empire State Building or London without Stamford Bridge. At an altitude of 554 meters it is Hong Kong’s highest point and is generally regarded by tourists and locals alike as the best spot to view Victoria Harbour and the skyline, and to actually take in the entire island as a whole. The peak is accessible via the ‘peak tram’ which is an experience in itself. The peak tram began operating in 1888 and is a funicular railway that curves a steep 373 meter swathe up the mountainside. When I say steep, I mean steep. It feels like a ride in a theme park and upon reaching the summit I’m surprised they don’t offer photos of you on the tram with both arms raised above the head. As the peak is an extremely popular destination in Hong Kong, before reaching the viewing platform there are several (clearly tourist orientated) shops, the team took the opportunity to buy their names in Chinese among other souvenirs, despite my grave warnings after one such shop had translated my name to ‘plum’ several months ago. Moving on to the viewing area at about 6pm, we took some photos framed by the tall buildings and spectacular scenery, and then waited for dark as the lights on the tall buildings began to glow brighter and brighter. The peak at night is as spectacular as it is during the day, in fact I’d say even more so. The bright, colourful lights illuminate the city like it is some kind of fairytale and only after several more photo shoots did we at last leave to head home, only to be stopped for at least a couple of days by a gigantic queue.

The next day we started towards Sham Shui Po to explore the hyped Golden Computer Centre and Golden Computer Arcade. In the mid 1990’s the basement of the Arcade was Hong Kong’s centre of piracy, with the majority of the vendors selling copied software and music CD’s manufactured in mainland China. Prior to the handover several raids were conducted and such retailers were ‘erased’ (as a famous governor of California might say), however the Centre and Arcade remain two of the most thriving electronic trading venues in the world. Soph, Steve and I all had a mission: an i-Pod Touch, an SD card and an XBOX360 respectively. After following each other for five or so minutes we decided to divide and conquer, and so setting our clocks to military time, we agreed to meet back at the stairs in 45 minutes. Aside from Steven (who actually bought the wrong thing) unfortunately we were all unsuccessful in our quests, the i-Touch was not to be released for another week in Hong Kong and the current stock of XBOX360’s had sold out; the next batch being held back while Microsoft battled with some technical issues. It wasn’t a total loss however – Dad bought a music DVD and Steven some extremely, extremely cheap speakers for an iPod - even if they don’t work for £1 you can’t really go wrong - and everyone purchased the roll up keyboards as seen on Die Hard 4.

A little later on in the day we journeyed to Causeway Bay for dinner. Located on the northern shore of Hong Kong Island, the rent in the shopping areas of Causeway Bay is ranked second in the world (with Fifth Avenue in Manhattan ranked first), and indeed it is one of Hong Kong’s major shopping districts with many shops open until well after midnight. Acting on advice from a member of the family who shall remain nameless, after looking around the Times Square shopping complex we headed towards ‘Food Street’ where apparently you could get ‘almost every’ kind of food. After an exemplary path finding exercise we found that actually you could get ‘almost no’ types of food there: it was an alley the size of our garden with three of four rather expensive restaurants at most. And so it was that we headed back towards Times Square where we stumbled upon heaven. By a gigantic LCD TV (which people in the street were just standing and watching) we found ‘The Spaghetti House’ and the most sensational freshly squeezed apple juice on and not of this world.

The next day was ‘National Day’, a public holiday which is celebrated in Hong Kong, China and Macau to mark the anniversary of the formation of the ‘People’s Republic of China’ on October 1st, 1949. Feeling festive we took the opportunity to go to the ‘Hong Kong Museum of History’ in Tsim Sha Tsui, which preserves Hong Kong’s historical and cultural heritage. I don’t tend to enjoy museums – in fact, I’ll be honest, I hate them. We’ve never really seen eye to eye and we’ve reached a mutual understanding of sorts whereby I never go and they’re generally none-the wiser. However, this museum was different. I think more out of interest in the subject than any improvement in my level of maturity, I actually found myself reading all of the signs relating to the Japanese occupation and the handover back to mainland China, how Hong Kong became the booming financial centre it is now and what life was like during the time of the Emperors. Dad had to shoot off a little early to meet with a suit and shoe tailor (for real this time) and after meeting with him we continued through Tsim Sha Tsui towards Victoria Harbour, confronted by at least a dozen other tailors, many of whom wanted to know “who is the lucky tailor you have picked, Sir?” and giving us their completely unbiased opinion(s).

We stopped by yet another gigantic shopping mall ‘Harbour City’ for a lunch / dinner combo, and interrogated the waitress as to where would be the best place to watch the fireworks display the government was organizing as part of National Day. She responded with ‘the Clock Tower’, another famous landmark in Hong Kong and the single remaining structure of the ‘old’ Tsim Sha Tsui station. The clock tower is forty-four metres high, surmounted by a seven metre high lightning rod, and I could probably tell you how many bricks were used counting each one individually in the time we had while waiting for the fireworks to begin. We were advised to get there early in order to get the best view, and while it was empty three hours before people indeed slowly started appearing and before long you couldn’t move. We had a local family sitting behind us with two young children, both of whom stared at Mum and I for three hours as though we were proof there was life on Mars.

With half an hour to go, something strange began happening to the buildings across the Harbour; the lights on the furthest building to the left began flickering. It actually took the crowd a moment to work out anything was happening. However as its closest neighbour on the right began flashing its own lights, music started playing and before long the entire skyline was ‘talking’ to each other through the sky lights and lasers attached to each building; at times several of them even appeared to be competing in a ‘light off’ against each other. Sometimes a cluster waited while another responded. It was unexpected and extremely, extremely well organised; excitement began to build. At quarter past nine - three hours after our arrival - the fireworks began and the entire universe above us exploded in sound and light. The crowd reacted to each explosion as though watching a pantomime, “ooooh, ahhh”, “OOOH”… and at least 90% took out their mobile phones and began recording. It was spectacular.

After the display finished and the crowd slowly began to disperse we explored the surrounding area a little and had the time to take some quick photos of and with the golden dragon which had been erected for the Chinese Mid-Autumn festival a week previously. Though thoroughly exhausted there was still time for one more adventure that night, travelling back to Mong Kok via the ‘KCR’ railway. The KCR actually goes all the way to the border of mainland China (originally it did actually extend beyond the border to Canton, but after Mainland was taken over by communists in 1949 this was no longer possible). A proposed merger by the Hong Kong Government between the two railway companies ‘MTR and KCR’ (which is likely to be approved at the end of this year) will mean one railway system in Hong Kong. The trains themselves are a little darker than the MTR ones and the stations don’t have air conditioning, however they do have four or five LCD TV’s broadcasting the news and sport in every carriage, and as a geek I certainly think a relationship exists between the number of screens and the ‘coolness’ factor.

On Tuesday I went to work while the team visited Stanley Market, a peninsula on the south-eastern part of Hong Kong Island apparently renowned for its bargains in clothing. I’ve never been there because, well, I’m male and genetically I don’t enjoy looking at clothes, but from the team’s reviews I heard that it was actually slightly disappointing. Earlier in the day I had tried to organise for everyone to have a tour of the trading floor at HSBC (everyone in the family, not everyone in the world), however unfortunately the global head of Futures and the head of Futures Singapore were in town which meant this would not be possible. Settling for a tour of the building instead we signed in and took the elevator up to the restaurant on the 28th floor, before making our way down floor by floor on the escalators. When we reached the trading floor Mum and Dad tried to peek through the window to catch a glimpse of where I work, while I nervously hid behind the corner in case anyone saw.

Successfully leaving the building still with my job, it was next time to work our way towards the Jewish Centre via the previously described Central-Mid-Level escalator system. We passed through the vigorous security checks at the doors of the centre much to the delight of Sophie, who I had warned might receive a test on her knowledge of the Jewish religion to prove her identity before gaining entry and we found our way to the restaurant which had been relocated from its regular location to the Succah (but as it was raining this had once again been relocated to a room close to the Succah). We sat down and ordered the food. Dad informed me that it was my duty to order the largest bowl of chicken soup they offered, and after a huge main course and an equally large desert we all left absolutely stuffed. It’s lucky the escalator system doesn’t operate downhill at night time because it almost certainly would have collapsed under my weight, never mind our combined weights.

When I returned back to the student residence it was T - 1 hour until my 21st birthday, and I let everyone in the corridor know - approximately once every 2 - 3 minutes. I thought knocking on every door and keeping the neighbours up-to-date was the right way to go about things. After a while they began quoting the time back at me pre-emptively and leaving their doors open because honestly they knew I’d be back. With five minutes to go I was relaxing back in my room when several people rushed in and told me that I had to try a dish someone had just finished cooking in the kitchen in honour of my birthday. Absolutely awestruck that someone had cooked something for the occasion, I waited in the kitchen with a couple of the others, while the rest went to round up everyone else. Moments later, as midnight struck, someone hit the lights and three or four people brought in a cake with candles and started singing happy birthday - first in English, then in Cantonese. I couldn’t believe it. Offering my sincere thanks we cut and shared the cake and still hugely grateful I went to bed extremely happy.

The actual day of my birthday was just as unbelievable, if not more so. I met up with the family in the hotel and after a chorus of ‘happy birthday’s’ they passed a number of cards which the ‘postman had delivered under their door that morning’. Feeling very close to people back at home and hugely, hugely thankful to everyone who had sent me their well wishes and congratulations, Dad then went to the cupboard and presented me with a rather large package. Both Mum and Dad were being extremely secretive and wouldn’t tell me who it was from nor what was inside. Feeling like a little child again I started to rip open the packaging, and pulled out what appeared to be a canvas. Everyone in the room stared at it slightly mystified, …who? …What? Mum then said, ‘…your friends said this was from a show called Heroes?’ and everything clicked. There, before me was Hiro Nakamura battling a dragon at the dawn of time, but more importantly was a gift from friends back home, send halfway across the world. I felt so lucky to have the friends that I do and actually felt a pang of homesickness for the first time since I’ve been here.

The feeling passed rather quickly and when asked what I’d like to do on my birthday, I suggested that we go on a boat trip tour around Victoria Harbour. After asking at the help desk in Langham Place for information on when the boat trips occur, how often and from where there seemed to be only one problem in an otherwise perfect plan: it was leaving in ten minutes and was twenty five minutes away. The hotel made the call and a taxi arrived in moments, however despite their reaction speed our journey was fraught with delay as every traffic light seemed to sense we were coming. The taxi driver began to share our plight though and eventually he ignored all traffic lights completely as he zoomed towards the Harbour at full speed. We arrived in the knick of time, boarded the boat and collapsed on deck. The boat trip was extremely nice and I couldn’t help but think how one year ago today I’d never have believed I’d be spending my 21st birthday, with the family, sailing around Victoria Harbour in Hong Kong. It was unreal. We returned to the hotel in the evening for a birthday meal, and the day seemed to peak at the end as for dessert I had the opportunity to dip strawberries into two chocolate fountains. Does life get any better?

Unfortunately Thursday had crept up on us like a thief in the night. It seemed only yesterday that the team had arrived in Hong Kong and now it was almost time for them to leave. After work we ate in the Spaghetti House one last time before going for a final walk around the bristling and bustling streets of Mong Kok. When it comes to emotions I often feel like a cripple; unable to express what I really mean; I prefer to swallow the words and feelings and smile, keeping my thoughts inside my own and private. It really meant the world to me that my family had travelled to Hong Kong for my birthday, and I’ll never, ever forget it for as long as I live. I felt like the luckiest person in the world.

As I walked back through Mong Kok I felt oddly distracted, for once not paying any attention to the energy radiating out of the place. I arrived back at the student residence equally subdued and entered the kitchen / common room desperately seeking the company of others. Sure enough a number of people were gathered around the table completing a jigsaw and slowly I began to climb out of my shell again. When asked where I had been and why I looked slightly upset, I managed to convince half the corridor that I had been in Mong Kok with Lucio an Italian exchange student and not my family, and that he had secretly bought a gun and had stashed it in his room.

Retiring that night and waking the next morning life began to continue as normal as I headed into Central for another day of work. However, I couldn’t help but reflect on the week I’d had and smile. And I knew now that Lucio had a gun, he aint ever gonna be the sa-a-a-aaamme.

          Anyway let’s delve into my world of adventure I suppose. Right, Mickey flew into meet me on the 22nd September. So there I was in my room all-guns-a-blazing trying to do 101 and things at once, knowing very well that I would get a right chastising from my baby for starting as I meant to go on. Thus I decided it best not to be late to meet Mickey, . So leaving a bit late for reasons unbeknownst to even myself I took the bus (yes that’s right I actually seized control of the bus) and made forth with great gallant speed, the destination ‘airport’ in mind. I knew this would be an easy feat to locate the airport, as the previous week I had somehow someway ended up in ‘Terminal 2’ on the phone to Alan proclaiming I might be a little late for badminton and tennis due to regional location problems So I got to the airport and waited and waited for Mickey. Alas I thought, I have failed to meet my fair lady on time and she is out there with some Hong Kong business man who has decided to wine and dine her on my behalf due to my sheer tardiness. Turns out I was wrong. The flight eventually came in and I watched as my girl strutting her stuff bobbing along with her iPod in tow. It was then for an utter split-second that I had a weird feeling engulf me. What do I talk about? Is this going to be weird? Does the pope shit in the woods? Thankfully though all was fine and I threw my arms round my girl and planted one right one her (a kiss that is, I decided it best not to box my girlfriend on our first reunion in a while ). So I seized control of the nearest bus once again and made haste for Tsim Sha Tsui where our hostel awaited us.
          

          So the hostel. Well after finally finding the building after pacing back and forth along the same street for what seemed like a long enough time to test even the patience of a saint, I decided to finally give-in and ask one of the location from one of the many guys trying to flog me a copied watch and handbag (the bloody hostel was hidden down some bloody alley which was obviously signposted by a bloody idiot). Mick was just about to give over here card details when the man asked would we like to view the room first, we decided this best before departing with any money and followed him through what can best described using the words ‘murky’, ‘dungeon’, and ‘sxxt-hole’. Now it occurred to me upon entering the room that word ‘Hostel’ was actually an acronym for ‘Heap Of Shit That Excludes Luxury’. I do not even joke when I say a homeless person would scoff and turn his nose up at the living standards provided. The room was dark and dirty with horrible grimy walls and a bed that looked like it had truly been tested to breaking point. The bathroom was the part that really got me though. It was so small I do not think it would be possible for me and my member (manhood) to occupy the same room at the same time. The toilet was under the sink (yes under the sink, work that bloody one out!) and the whole room was to act as one big shower (the shower was a hose attached to the sink tap). Deciding that even the RSPCA would give better temporary housing to its animal we asked to see something a little more expensive. “Certainly Sir, we have luxury rooms available also” said the man who was seemingly slowly becoming more sinister the longer I spent in his company. Turns out the luxury rooms did what they said on the tin. We set our luggage down and then went out with the thought of catching a little dinner/supper in mind. Supper was DeliFrance which I know is not exactly the height of Chinese cuisine, but it was a long day and I decided tonight did not count and my main aim was to hit the cot and start a fresh tomorrow.

          Sunday I met with Alan and Winnie (the bird he is chasing). This was not an intentional or planned meeting. I was in Mong Kok showing Mick ‘Langham Place’ where we had brunch, when I received a phone call from baby Alan. “Joe the iPhone is for sale in Mong Kok” said Alan. “Alan, tell me something I do not know. Do not tease me for I do not have the $16,000 required” said I. “Baby Joe I have seen it for $4890” said Alan. “WTF! Are you sure” said I. “Yes” said Alan. After many more an exchange, Mickey and I found ourselves with Alan and Winnie. We went up to one of the many complexes that Mong Kok is comprised of, as you may well imagine with it being the most populated place in the world. After picking up the iPhone which is the future of technology and the nicest piece of kit on the market so far, me and Mickey scoured the streets of Mong Kok especially the Ladies Market which Mong Kok is well renowned for. We picked out a few bits and bobs and then had dinner with Alan and Winnie and stayed out shopping well into the night before retiring to the bed for some well deserved sleep.
 

          Monday the day after Sunday. Again I found myself in Mong Kok with Michelle on Monday. Mong Kok is a big, big place and I think it shows the true heart of Hong Kong with the hustle and bustle and the lights that brighten the sky by night. I showed Mick a few places here and there and then received a phone call from Matt saying he wanted to meet later that day to bring me and Mick for a bit of grub. We met with Matt after he finished up work around 8:30 and ventured on toward greener pastures. We eventually stopped at a restaurant I am none to familiar with but the grub was amazing. This was followed up with a good dose of shopping. I am going to avoid talking about my shopping ordeals as I liken them to going through hell and back, but needless to say there was a lot of shopping going on when Mick came over. Desert was the highlight of the day though; Matt brought us to some traditional desert dedicated restaurant. Needless to say our little sesame seed cream and 2 iced hearts (yes I know extremely cliché and batty) were gorgeous. Next stop quick drum game at the arcades that I think Mick has taken to quite well, and then home. Zzzzz

          Tuesday the day before Wednesday. Tuesday was a day dreams are made of. Although I had to work, I still managed to cram some seriously brilliant day around my donkey work hours. Tuesday is a public holiday called the ‘Full Moon Festival,’ this is as the name suggests a day whereby the full moon is evident and closest the earth for those in Hong Kong (the locals are supposed to stay up until midnight to watch the moon and then have the following day off for rest). After finishing work Gary and I set to meet Michelle and then later locate Vicky who is Gary’s better half. Our little crusade then brought us to a lovely Japanese restaurant that was so well hidden I am surprised they get any custom, to be fair though after tasting some of the grub on offer it was no surprise that they get such a healthy supply of customers despite their peculiar location. From here we made tracks and headed to Victoria Harbour in Tsim Sha Tsui. It was here we saw the brilliant festivities being held along the Avenue of Stars. It had just rained so the sky was clear of clouds and there staring down on all us minions was the big full moon in all its glory. Looking across from the harbour at Hong Kong Island is a sight for sore eyes; the neons and vast landscape are something that no words can ever pay justice. Gary a resident of Hong Kong for many years even said himself that he does not remember the last time he had seen a sight so beautiful. We laughed and joked our way across the peer over the Avenue of Stars (modelled on Hollywoods Walk of Fame which contains tributes such as signed handprints of many movie starts who are home to Hong Kong) and finally decided to grab a bite to eat in a café before calling it a night.

          Wednesday begins with a W. A full day of exercise without leaving the bed

          Thursday who’s origin are from old English for ‘day of thunder’ named after Germanic thunder god Thor. I had to work again on the Thursday. Afterwards I met with Alan and Winnie for a mights shopping. I think that is enough said on the subject.

          Friday who funnily enough takes it name from the Germanic goddess Frigga (also sound like the derogatory term Frigger ). This was some brilliant day. Me and Mick rose fairly early. We had a long mission ahead, for I had agreed to dine with a good few of my closest friends that day after work and yet I had told Mickey we would go to the tallest point in Hong Kong beforehand. So with a fine margin of time me and Mick set sail. We made our way to Tsim Sha Tsui’s famous Star Ferry pier along Victoria Harbour where I treated Mickey to a ferry across from Kowloon island to Hong Kong island. Once we had docked again we made haste for the bus, which would bring us to the tram, that would then bring us up to the tallest point in Hong Kong. Long story short we got there fine and although I have done the journey before I do not remember the tram taking such a vertical inclination toward our destination. At one point I thought my nuts were going to fall back into me and roll their way up my oesophagus. The view was lovely, the day was lovely and my girlfriend was lovely. Not much more you can ask for really. Then we rushed back to meet Gary, Alan, Winnie, Matt and Kates at Mong Kok. From here we boarded a mini-bus and made our way to highly recommended restaurant in Kowloon City (Kowloon City is notorious for its gorgeous grub, but is only really visited on a rare occasion due to the struggle to get there). The spread laid on was brilliant. Lobster, oysters and a whole baby roast pig (head included) were some of the items that spring to mind. I felt at home amongst my friends and they have done me proud to help me show my better half around Hong Kong. I got a brilliant picture with us all sitting around the table. I have always made friends easily no matter where I go but very rarely have I ever felt sad when moving forward as I believe life is one big steady progression, but the day when I leave behind these people will surely cause me great heartache. The meal had cost us a fortune as it was a classy joint, well worth it though as showing my girlfriend a good time is paramount and a price cannot be put on that. We eventually got back to Mong Kok and had desert together whereby everyone wound Alan up so much I thought he might crack. He took everything on the chin though and we all calmed and made our own separate ways back to our own cots. (P.S If you ever get hounded by people flogging you pure crap, do as I do and get in there first when you see them approaching. For example ask them would they like to purchase a copied handbag, the resultant confusion alone is well worth it.)

          Saturday the first day of the weekend. Disneyland in Hong Kong…Yay! Disneyland is the dog’s private parts, quote me on it. I went there with Mick, Alan and Winnie. The 4D cinema is amazing. I had never been to a 3D cinema let alone a 4D one. I cannot believe what they can do nowadays, I know that statement should be uttered only by people of ages 50+ but this thing is an unreal experience. I imagined 3D to be done with the 1 red lens and 1 blue lens glasses and to appear a bit dodgy, not at all though. The technique used is polarizing which I remember from my physics and the glasses you could get away with wearing out in the street. I sat there in the exact middle of the cinema with the best view and did not expect what was to come. When Donald Duck fired a flute straight at me I actually dived to avoid it, looking like a class A tit. I soon realised I was not alone. The whole cinema was taken back with the 3D graphics, added water and wind effects, the smell of the blueberry p