Hong Kong Blog

The movie Groundhog Day and my life are so remarkably similar that I’ve genuinely begun to consider the possibility that I may actually be Bill Murray. Every day I wake up at 06:03 AM. I spend ten minutes in the shower, seven of which are spent trying to adjust it to the right temperature and three of which are spent either in freezing cold or scalding hot water. Quick check of the email, get dressed, brush teeth, put on makeup, head out the door. Have the same conver — yes, putting on makeup was a joke. Have the same conversation with Lam the security guard:

Lam: ‘Wai… hello!!’
Lam: ‘Nei ho ma?’
Me: ‘Alright mate.. ho ho!!’
Me: ‘Nei ho ma?’
Lam: ‘Ho ho!’
Me: ‘Bye, bye!’
Lam: ‘Bye bye!’

Leave the hall of residence, switch on ipod, bump into the fairly elderly people practising tai chi. Tai chi with swordsrent a car bulgaria. Walk to Festival Walk (how fitting), head down to the MTR station, get on the same train at 07:03, on the same carriage with the same beautiful ‘MTR girl’ who has evidently memorised my schedule. That she is and always was on the train before me is beside the point. I arrive at work at 07:28, read my email, do IPE & LIFFEF testing orders, confirm colour of the day, ask the desk for breakfast orders and get ‘sup bui chaan jup’, ‘sei gor door si’ and ‘look lung siu mai’ from the basement. In the lift on the way up I make the same joke every morning as members of staff look at the amount food falling out my arms, ‘yeah…’ ‘I’m hungry today’. Talk to Trowbridge, re-run SOD… it’s all become so strikingly similar to the experience of Bill Murray that every time I receive a phone call at work, I imagine it’s in response to a cry of “WHO you gonna’ call?!”. I even have a friend I speak to every day at HSBC called Rita, who you’ll remember is the name of the female lead in Groundhog Day.

However in recently weeks things have begun to change. And though change and variety are said to be ‘the spice of life’, I’ve actually found them to be bit of an inconvenience to be honest. Cuz bustin’ made me feel good…

That my return to writing the blog coincides with the end of the writer’s strike in America would surely be more than mere coincidence but for the fact that I’m neither in America, writing television nor on strike. In recent interviews John Sullivan, creator of ‘Only Fools and Horses’ has said that he created the show’s story arcs largely based on his own youth and anyone who has seen ‘24’ must obviously conclude that the same is true with Kiefer Sutherland. Indeed, at times it seems that nothing can be scripted more perfectly than life…

In late October one of the members of my team returned from a two week vacation in Canada along with the news that he’d be permanently relocating to Toronto for reasons that could easily justify a season of Dawson’s Creek alone. One of the major cinematic devices regularly employed for character development is circumstances that push the character beyond their limit, force them to deal with situations that s/he is not prepared for. Whether I was called into a meeting by my manager or a team of writers will probably never be known, but either way the result was that I would be taking over all of my team mate’s responsibilities. And I had a month to learn. Absolutely everything.

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Starring…

Richard Cohen ……… as…… himself

Guest starring…

Ivor Cohen ……………as……… Dad
Joanne Cohen …………as………Mum
Sophie Cohen …………as………Soph
Steven Cohen …………as ………Steve

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One afternoon you enter your local convenience store to buy the weekly groceries. Aside from the cashier who is as oblivious to your entrance as he is to the entire universe, you are alone in the store. You slowly wonder up and down the isles until, stopping dead, you notice an unnatural heat radiating from one of the lonely back corners. You decide to investigate. As you draw nearer you see the unmistakable flickering of a spreading fire. Do you A) Shout and alert the shop keeper. B) Run out of the shop, call the fire brigade as quickly on as possible and then tell the shop keeper. C) Ignore the fire completely, pay for your groceries and leave? Well according to the Hong Kong Fire Department, the answer ‘of course for most people’ is C.

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Hello and welcome my friends. It has been a long, long week! I have been so busy I feel myself being worn to the point of collapsing. On the whole though, I have had some brilliant days and nights in the mean time. The highlight blatantly being a party I attended on Monday night which was insanely brilliant with me meeting many a new face. So where to start? I guess with Alan’s new phrase. I have mentioned many a time in Alan’s presence the phrase “…taking the piss out of me”. Alan has obviously taken this up wrong and has now adapted it to the all new and utterly brilliant “don’t piss on me!” This is a brilliant phrase, outshining the original by a clear mile! If anyone says something vaguely aimed at putting Alan down in some shape or form, it is normally greeted by “Don’t piss on me” accompanied by the good old wave of a finger. This makes me laugh without fail every time.

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Hello and Welcome people to the renowned Hong Kong blog Good news, I am the first result for the Google search for Hong Kong followed by my name so I am proud that I have finally made an appearance, as my sister dutifully pointed out to me. On another note this week has been hectic to say the least. It has been non-stop so I have not been able to give my time to things such as this blog, I will not complain though as it has allowed me to have many an exciting day and night. For instance it’s not everyday I go swimming at the beach with extremely fit Aussies and French birds, which believe me when I say should be done by everyone once in a while

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The phrase ‘never make the same mistake twice’ is one I should probably analyse so as to make sure I’m completely 100% certain on the matter. The concept is clear enough; it’s just the implementation I seem to be having problems with. Readers of the previous incarnation of the blog will remember that during my first week at the University at Kent I inadvertently wandered into (and became trapped in) a Christian Society meeting for about four hours. Well guess what…

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Hello and Good morning world. Time for yet another thrilling and exciting instalment as we venture forth into the world of the big HK. Well, well, well, where to start. Arcades I suppose. I don’t know have I mentioned it before but the boys here play a lot of arcade, it’s bloody wicked. I go out with the boys, wolf my lunch down, and then get to some serious gaming. Now these are very professional companies we happen to work for respectively. We all stick-out like sore thumbs, all suited and booted yelling onslaughts of Chinese insults at each other. It’s bloody funny! I almost beat the punch bag thing the other day, I had 4 turns and almost had it but I decided to leave it for another day. I am most definitely leaving my mark on Hong Kong in the form of the high-score on the punch bag though.

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Hello once again people. I have been up to too much this week, so I was wondering when I would get around to blogging this baby. Anyways no better place to start than with Durian. Widely known and revered in Southeast Asia as the “King of Fruits,” the fruit is distinctive for its large size, unique odour, and a formidable thorn-covered husk. When I say unique odour I mean unique odour. It is forbidden from some establishments such as hotels, subways and airports, including public transportation in Southeast Asia. Believe me this is for good reason! It can be smelt from over a yard away and animals can smell it from over 1 mile away. There are many different descriptions ranging from “…flavour are indescribable. A rich custard highly flavoured with almonds gives the best general idea of it, but there are occasional wafts of flavour that call to mind cream-cheese, onion-sauce, sherry-wine, and other incongruous dishes. Then there is a rich glutinous smoothness in the pulp which nothing else possesses, but which adds to its delicacy…In fact, to eat Durians is a new sensation worth a voyage to the East to experience.” Other descriptions also state “its odour is best described as pig-shit, turpentine and onions, garnished with a gym sock”. I definitely agree with the latter description. It is not so much the smell because I can handle that, it is the taste and what it does to my nervous system when I try to consume it. My face loses all control and I have an unbelievable urge to twitch along with heave and a wanting to tear my digestive tract out. This food is absolutely indescribable, unlike anything I have ever sampled because it is not often I choose to eat pig faeces or chow down on soiled diapers.

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This week is a gripping action filled adventure. It is a tale of Danger, of Bravery and of Courage. The gods must surely have taken an interest to have allowed me to survive long enough to write this account.

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