Its so peaceful until…
Howdie Dodie people. Long time no blog. I work hard at my job between Mondays to Fridays, which means I have very little free time in which I can try to change the world. Saturday morning I dedicate 2 hours of my morning to help poor people build mud huts in the poorer districts of HK. I love poor people. By lunch time I am pretty exhausted, but this isn’t about me, it’s about what is right for humanity. That’s right, I then go back to work again where I help blind people read Braille. On Sundays I give up my evening in order to attend homes where owners are having problems with their pets. Ever since my birth parents abandoned me on the outskirts of a southeast asian tropical rainforest, I have been able to communicate with animals since my foster parents were both vowls! Obviously my services are not for sale, I do it as a term of service owed to a once great and thriving country. So now hopefully you see why I have been unable to detail the events I have undertook the last couple of months.
I finally got to Taiwan in December after having to wait for my boys Matt and Alan to finish their CFA exams. I don’t think it went so well for either of them. I say this is mainly due to the fact Alan decided not to turn up which probably will play havoc with his Grade Pint Average, Matt told me he had encountered problems also. Namely these problems were he claimed he knew nothing and decided to erratically press random buttons on his calculator whilst also writing down supposed answers and flying through the exam in order to scare all of the other people around him. Apparently it worked as he said everyone else around him was staring at him and was looking very nervous when he left the exam hall within 30 mins. When he told me of his plan I died laughing, at least he went out with a bang. The second part of the exam also seemed to harbour problems for him as well, he told me he fell asleep for 20 mins and answered 120 multiple choice questions in less than 5 mins after waking. Bearing in mind there were 240+ questions call me pessimistic but I cant see him walking away with that certificate anytime soon, but by God if he does nobody would ever have deserved it more than himself.
Taiwan was absolutely wicked, most certainly worth the wait. Me and the boys had 4 days and 3 nights over there and let me tell you Taiwanese women are bloody gorgeous. The general recipe was far too much food, far too much drink and plenty of laughs. We done our fair share of sight seeing but come night fall karaoke and the clubs were the order of the day. I had such a laugh with the boys; Matt is so funny he always cracks me up. Ever since me he moved to UBS we have had less contact but when I do meet with him I remember how hilarious the boys is, he always sorts me out when needs be. For me you can ask nothing more of a person than to be genuine and to have a sense of humour and Matt and Alan definitely fit the bill, thus we all had a right knees up. I also came back a very very broke man, I basically chucked all my funds at that holiday only to come home and find I had been landed a bill for my accommodation, only one word for that really…shitter. I learnt a valuable lesson though, lap dancing is expensive 
I had returned from Taiwan to spend my Crimbo in HK, and what a Christmas it was. I had seen Santa in Taiwan and placed my order so I was eagerly awaiting his arrival. Christmas is pretty damn mental over here as well, just for the sheer numbers that turn up to things. The décor in Festival Walk is the best I have ever come across also, the tree was sponsored by Swarovski so you can just imagine how impressive it looked. If there was any means of me plugging in a hoover and plucking them crystals straight off the tree believe me I would currently be dictating this blog to one of my many maids who would be typing my every word. Sadly this is not the case and I am forced to type for myself. None the less the décor was still stifling, they had robots Huskies walking around with their owners, other robots ice-skating, robots bobsledding, dancing robots and several grottos. It was especially astounding when one day I turned up to see Santa being driven though the mall on a sleigh with a procession of elves, fairies, clowns on stilts etc. Santa then dismounted and led the procession from the bottom level upward meeting and greeting as he went. I decided to head to Lai Kwai Fong for the night as a good lash up beckoned and who was I to refuse? I had been off the booze for 6 months before I went to Taiwan as I was going off the rails before this in England and decided the straight and narrow was the only way I could do things, but this is Christmas and I am sure the birth of Christ deserves a drink or two. I can honestly say I have never in my 22 years on this earth seen such crowds. Lai Kwai Fong is the party district of HK and fxxk is the only word that does justice to what I seen that night. They were like sheep zig-zagging their way negotiating the ever winding rails that housed us all. Eventually when we climbed the hill low-and-behold we managed to gain entry to easily the best positioned bar, right slap bang on the top of the hill over-looking everything. To much money spent but what a bloody Christmas
New Year was also a good’en. I went to Causeway bay to watch the countdown in Times Square, this is the main attraction around the New Year so as you can imagine I seen sea after sea of Chinese faces. I was even considering yellowing up for it but I thought that might be a bit racist so I blacked up for it instead. We arrived nice and early in good steed so as to beat the crowds, we wished! The place was bloody bursting at the seams, thankfully we had arrived in time to be the first people to be let into the last container available to the public. It was in a prime position as well, that is just beside the stage and under the large screen with the infamous 5 apples that illuminate to count down the New Year, the apples also look like a massive phallus which I am surprised no-one noticed before I pointed it out :-/ I decided to go out with a bang later that night and what better way to do so than to wake up in an ambulance. I went out to some bar where everyone plays dice and card games, then one minute I was leaving the bathroom or so I thought and then I awoke in the same bathroom on a blood drenched floor. I was praying this was not my blood as there was a bloody lot of it so I put my hands to my head and the next sight I saw was blood running down my face and my hands and cloths soaked. I have had a fair few injuries before when labouring and acting a fool but Jesus I have never lost so much blood in my life. I crawled out of the bathroom and blacked out only to be awoken by a paramedic with me lying flat out in an ambulance. I refused to go to Hospital due to the cost of Health Care over here instead opting to get back to my bed ASAP. I spent the next 2 days in that bed barely able to move growing weaker and weaker until I decided I needed some normality back in my life so I headed off to work the following day. It took me a week before I finally felt normal again as I was constantly knackered during that week, whereas little sleep is normally something I can contend with no problem. All in all brilliant night but could have done without the hassle that followed it.
Lost my Nokia N95 a couple of weeks back which was a right pain the royal end. I had just stuck some new accessories into it a couple of days before hand so that was a lot of money gone up the swanie. Thankfully I back-up my photos or I would have been unable to suffer the loss and hung myself. I was out with a few mates for a really suave BBQ where we hired someone to cook for us and then afterwards we headed for some bar. All was well and good but they were on the whiskey, a spirit I personally have never liked mainly due to the inebriation process of become extremely arrogant and violent which is something I try to stay clear of when and where possible. So after being force fed whiskey (peer pressure of these little guys in unbelievable) I decided to hail a cab and head back because I had badminton the next morning and I really hate whiskey. I was laughing and joking with the driver showing off my Cantonese until I had reached my destination. It is then I realised the former friend of mine aka the taxi driver, was travelling with a little piece of my life in his back seat. So I phoned the phone and the dickhead had decided to knock it off, I thought that was the end of it until I seen him 20mins later. Turns out he didn’t know me though or so he claimed as dropped off his new fare. I took a little look around and there were some girls there, thus I didn’t want to give everyone the impression that some big gwailo is invading their country and killing their natives hence I didn’t drag him out the car and shake him down as much as I would have loved to. Instead I filed an amicable complaint and offered a reward but could not match the price the phone could be sold for. At least though I met some girls that same night who helped me in my time of need and we went on to become friends, then I met there friends and friends of their friends and now I nearly know all the foreigners at the hostel and some of them are real decent folk. So at least out of the dark came some light.
To much typing…must stop
Simon the placement co-ordinator is coming over tomorrow. He is head of CS back home so should be a laugh hopefully.
Lots of new friends now due to my lost phone which led to a tea party followed by a birthday party crashing, so more footie and sport than ever which is good because Alan is changing job this coming Feb and he will be sorely missed by myself. We are now planing a holiday together for the coming Easter, wohoo!
I have just today purchased a ticket to see Bjork in HK, thats just a little piece of awesome right there alone.
Lots more to write but not as much time in which to write it, so for now over and out. This gwailo Joe reporting from the big HK.