Hong Kong Blog

Hello and Welcome people to the renowned Hong Kong blog Good news, I am the first result for the Google search for Hong Kong followed by my name so I am proud that I have finally made an appearance, as my sister dutifully pointed out to me. On another note this week has been hectic to say the least. It has been non-stop so I have not been able to give my time to things such as this blog, I will not complain though as it has allowed me to have many an exciting day and night. For instance it’s not everyday I go swimming at the beach with extremely fit Aussies and French birds, which believe me when I say should be done by everyone once in a while

Think I will kick things off with a story from my mate Alan. Alan is so funny it is unreal, the thing is though he does not realise half of the time when he comes out with these absolutely brilliant one liners and so forth. Today for instance he proceeded to tell me a baby had been killed and was trying to point it out to me. Horrified I turned thinking I was going to see a dead child. Instead I turned to see a toddler that appeared to be alive, well I assume he was alive, he was walking. Turns out he meant cute (I know it sounds nothing like the word killed unless you are Alan speaking ), pretty similar scenario the other day whereby the word beach suddenly becomes the word bitch. This is where it becomes great fun for me because now I have a mission to try and make him say the word as many times as possible without him becoming suspicious. I think I have heard the word Wegetable more than anyone else in this big bad world Anyway I know I am straying from the point so as I was saying Alan was banging on about Thailand for our lads holiday in December. This is when he began to tell me “Watch out for the map, it will trick you!” to which I laughed until I cried due to the severely grave look upon his face. This sombre face’s appearance had obviously meant that Alan had at some point in his life felt that he had been dealt a massive injustice by some map somewhere or another. So I provoked him in order to learn more. Turns out he got some vague map in Thailand which had him circling the block again and again due to the fact that it did not include side roads. To this day I still smile when I think back because the face he wore that day when telling that story, it is a face you would liken to that worn by somebody who has just received news of a death within the family and yet he was talking about a shit map.

Met our neighbours the other day. Turns out one is called Dick and the other one called Foam. Dick Foam! How bloody funny is that? You couldn’t make that stuff up if you tried Heard a knock on the room door the other day to which I reluctantly answered as I was in my dressing-gown after having a shower (we have the worlds most powerful shower, I thought the one in Hall 7 was good but this is something else. I am actually afraid to turn it up full power near my privates for fear of never having kids or at worst maybe even changing my sex ). Anyways I answered the door to meet a big Dick, all 5ft 6” of him. I gave the Dick a good firm handshake and talked away to him as you do. I then turned round to see Richard lying in the bed with his hands under the covers; it was then that it struck me. Rich and I were the gay couple of the Hall! Here I was dressing-gown in tow, and there Rich was fidgeting away in his covers. The shame of it all!

Had a wicked meal in Kowloon City where the old airport was with Matt and Alan Thursday night. It was brilliant I tried crab and many other interesting items. But I had to end the night early against the boys wishes, who are more and more becoming like little devils upon my shoulder who try and influence me to do their evil bidding I am only joking the boys are sound. Anyway I decided to shake-a-leg and make headway toward Kowloon Tong and it was a race against the clock. I was miles and miles away and had to be back before 11 in order for a floor orientation (meeting fellow students from our floor). I jumped on the minibus at 10:20 and arrived at Mong Kok, whereby I jumped (well not really jumped as I wouldn’t get far, but it adds the element of the rush and excitement ) onto the MTR. Anyway now I had to negotiate the dastardly hill that has become the bane of my existence which leads from Festival Walk up to the Hostels. That done I now had only minutes to spare in order to shower before meeting my housemates so that they did not think I am some kind of western tramp that stowed away in luggage. Shower done now it was time to work the charm Me and Rich entered the kitchen to realise we were the only gwailos (Cantonese for foreigners ) there. It did not phase me though, I love my little Chinese buddies, they are such a welcoming and meek people. Plus there were 3 birds there I would love to jump (only joking. Well sort of) So we all introduced ourselves which was politely followed by a round of applause. Rich made me laugh when he pointed out it was like a scene from Alcoholics Anonymous. After that I was dying to stand up and say “I have been dry for 7 weeks now and am taking each day one at a time”. The urge soon passed though and when we all were on first name terms I decided to break out the Cantonese I knew. Rich had been trying to say “the bill please” in Cantonese and they were all looking at him like he had 2 heads. So I decided to bust out some serious cusses whilst trying to avoid the swear factor. I had them eating out of the palm of my hand for 10mins. They loved it! I will attempt to write the English for these words but God knows how skewed the translation will actually be. All I can say is one guy called another guy retarded in Cantonese, and then said for me to me call him Die Eb. I said No No No, I know what that means. They all looked at me amazed! So I turned to guy who was trying to make me say it and I was said “Ley Ho Die Eb” and they all laughed and laughed and laughed. It is effectively saying ‘You are of very, very low intelligence/retarded’. I then broke out some more quality useful phrases but it did not help that I couldn’t unleash my true power, as most of my best work is done using a mix of bad language which I decided is not the best way to talk when first making friends :-). Highlight of the night was an icebreaker where we had to invent a gesture to represent ourselves while sat in the circle. One person would then start off and clap twice followed by their own gesture, clap twice again, and then a gesture of another person. This person called would then repeat the process of clapping twice, executing there own gesture, clapping twice again and then performing someone else’s gesture in order to call them forth. The tempo increased as the duration of the round increased. This caused many a laugh and was brilliant. Also I gained authority and power that night as I put my self forward as a floor representative along with another fella who is something of a ledge. The power is brilliant; I have since placed an order for a throne and am bringing back capital punishment.

Went to see a film at Rich’s request Fri night called Naraka 19. Now talk about a piece of shit. This film was unwavering in its ability to truly astound me to some great lengths. I say this because the concept of the film I would liken to that of something dreamt-up by a 5 year old on hard drugs, plus the computer graphics involved were truly only worthy of a what a retard can do with crayons. It was so bad I fell asleep for 10mins and woke-up again in the hope it would at least give me an excuse as to why I could not follow what was happening, but Rich who had been awake the whole time concurred that the whole thing was pointless, without even the vaguest or slightest notion of the word ‘meaning’ at any stretch of the word. For instance a classic moment that will be with me until my dying day is when a guy with a limp and crutches gets the better of a healthy cop. Listen to this: A limping physco with crutches manages to climb many, many flights of stairs before a perfectly healthy younger cop with a gun, and the physco had the minutest of head-starts. Talk about a stretch of the truth and the imagination. Then it gets even better, somehow the physco evades the cop, lures him into an isolated room, and then twats him round the head with his crutch. At this point me and Rich turned to each other and burst out laughing. That moment has been burnt to memory as I have never witnessed such twaddle outside of the comedy genre. I would consider spending money on a ticket to see Naraka 19 a greater waste than actually burning the money itself. At least when burning the money you do not have to endure such bollox (plus loads of women will think you are rich and have money to burn (literally) and they will bed you if they are shallow enough (here is to hope) )

Saturday I went to Tung Chung to meet my brother-from-another-mother Matty boy. We met early and had breakfast together which is becoming a tradition of Saturdays that I really like. Then Rich met with us, and another friend of mine Oscar joined us for a game of badminton doubles in which we creamed them. We played well and I was glad to beat Matt as I think he is the best out of all of us playing. Then Alan met with us and I had a few one-on-ones with him in which he beat me only because I was keeping the shuttlecock ‘in’ in order to make for a more interesting game yet he thought to do otherwise. So next time I am going to open him up with a smash shot to the head for good measure Rich left after the game, then I continued to play basketball with the boys for a couple of more hours and then headed back to Oscars for a bit of Pro Evo. Needless to say I won most matches and walked out with my head held high and all the grace of an egotistical tit

There was good reason to leave early from Oscar’s that Saturday. For I had had the invite of a lifetime, to meet my main man Jenkin and his wife and his wife’s old uni friend from Malaysia called Winston. We went through a trip of space and time on a bus that took ages in order to go to Shum Ching (north Hong Kong) to order us some roast Goose. Let me tell you for the lay person that roast Goose is absolutely amazing. We then ventured forth to Yuen Long to meet more friends of Jenkins for a very famous desert consisting of black herbal jelly (tasteless :-/) and Lychee (fast becoming one of my favourite fruits) amongst many other delights. The night was a perfect finish to a brilliant day and I just had to thank the Lord that had blessed me and made me so fortunate as to be in Hong Kong with friends I now have come to hold close to me.

Right now lastly Sunday I awoke nice and early again suffering from a very run down overly exercised body. I could barely open my eyes and hopped in the shower (well walked to the shower actually, do not come to think that I actually sleep on the toilet beside the shower or anything ) and then went downstairs to meet a massive group of fellow gwailos I had never met before. For our buddy Steph had arranged a massive meet of all foreigners to go beaching it, believe me I did not need asking twice. I knew no one and was left on my tod as Rich decided his bed has seemed more tempting. I made friends immediately though as everyone was pretty easy-going and ventured forth to the MTR to meet Steph with my new found friends. We took the train to Central from where we all caught a bus toward Repulse bay (yes a very unfortunately named bay ). Repulse bay being the most famous beach in Hong Kong lived up to its name though. It was amazing and I had a good swim with the boys and some very tasty ladies. We were there for about 6 hours and by the end of it I had looked well and thoroughly spanked. I glimpsed a reflection later to realise I would not look out of place in a market stall laying upon a stand tomatoes. Thankfully I am not really one for burning. I just look like a class A tit for a while before turning nice and dark, thankfully I have gone dark by now and can show my face again. We then made haste to Stanley, a tourist area and there we had some nice grub. All in all we split later and some went shopping and us blokes made way for home. All in all prob the best day I have had in Hong Kong so far. I met: David (French born Chinese who looks local and is as sound as!), Stone (local boy showing us around), Steph (again local and our buddy), Sophie (from Perth in Aussie land, needless to say is a very nice and tasty girl who I got on very well with ), Paul (massive Canadian who seemed nice but has an intellect rivalled only by the guy who made the film ‘Naraka 19’ I seen on Friday), Stephen (American, and the only guy I didn’t really like. I humoured him and spoke to him but talk about dull, Jesus this guy would make a dead person seem lively!), Matt (from Leeds in England, this guy was a hoot! Long time since I used that word, seems appropriate though ), Freddie (South American and couldn’t ask for a nicer guy), Marianne (French and damn sexy!) there were numerous other who I spoke too but lack of rest has killed the part of my brain responsible for memory retention.

This is a very long blog I am aware, but I have been here there and everywhere and I thought I better put pen to paper/ finger to keyboard for my own sake aswell as those who read because I will be soon to forget all when I finally get a good sleep. I hope you have enjoyed me boring you to tears, and until next time take care.

P.S Seen an old woman with “Jesus loves you fook” on the back of her wheelchair the other day. Just thought you might like to know, if this is not the case and you care less read these sentences backward in order to forget them

Over and Out
Joey boy

This entry was posted on Monday, September 10th, 2007 at 7:51 pm and is filed under Hong Kong. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.