Hong Kong Blog

Welcome to the second installation of my information divulgement. Much has happened since my last blog/essay/bible but it is hard to fit everything in without wearing thin my fingers and the minds of those who follow. I guess there is no place better to start than that of Rocky I the movie. What a film, I mean it must have been 12 years since I last viewed this masterpiece. It’s a brilliant love story (without getting all Dawson) that involves an underdog getting a shot at the champ, and includes the butchest transvestite known to man to boot (Stallone and his bloody funny painted on eyebrows). Saying this though I love the man, a pure beast (not to be confused with the sexual beast that is Tyler). This inspiring film is the sort that has you wanting to run up a stairs really really fast, or even running outside to conquer the world bit by bit while being a little bit naked (depends how saucy you are). That is why Rocky works well and rules, because he gets the girl without pretending to be gay or having a really deep emotional side. Plus he is a nobody who turns it all round and lets everyone know they have the potential to be great *Spoiler alert* (even though he loses in the end). I feel the need to tell people again to watch the new transformers movie. It is the dog’s private parts.

Doing pretty well considering it is only my second week of work. The first week I produced 3 documents to be distributed to every JP Morgan all over the world so I believe the phrase is ‘booyakasha’! This week I also knocked out another document for global distribution so at least my name is getting places if anything. Diverting from the subject slightly I went to register myself as a Jew the other day for a laugh because Richard is Jewish. I was told the food is good, plus I would have blatantly asked for some pork just to see the look on their faces (maybe even pull a pig sandwich from my back-pocket for effect). I went to the toilet to change into some casual gear as I was suited and booted, only to come back and see Richard getting it on with a Rabbi. Now Richard assures me that Jewish people are sound and if Richard is anything to go by this is definitely true. But this Rabbi was a tit, and I mean a 32FF tit! He tried marrying Richard off, and told me to keep coming as everyone who is anyone, high up in JP, comes to this community. By this point the smell of bullshit was overpowering and I though I was going to heave right in his lap. So I did the polite thing and tried to pretend he did not exist. Rich said that he is just one of a small number of 32FF’s that he has encountered. Conclusion of the event, it costs money to register and I did not fancy receiving a letter of excommunication from the Popes posse.

Over population. This is something that becomes more and more prominent the longer you live here. Sometimes I think the people in front of me have worked on the perfect defense strategy for the last God knows how long. I go one way their there, I go another way and they have already pre-empted my strike and cut me off. They have this brilliant ability to look one way and then go the other, while still facing the wrong direction. Put it this way I brick it whenever I get in a car and see this talent in full flow. Even poor old Flat Stanley would find it hard to maneuver from A to B without feeling frustrated and dogged here. I am thinking of getting a space hopper or some reversing talking/beeper thingy magigy and just backing up everywhere.

Haircuts. Hong Kong, the king and queen of the coolest hair-dos, and also home to the greatest hair-don’ts. These hair-don’ts are really something else; words do not do them justice. If you can imagine getting a blind, parkinsons riddled, old lady drunk and then asking her to go to work on your head with her teeth you might be getting close. I have seen things that would make an Emo think twice, and that’s saying something considering Emos jump into jean sizes meant for people half their age and female.

It is my birthday today, grand old age of 22. All down hill from here on, I won’t feel it before I am receiving the free bus pass in the mailJ It’s weird seeing as I always have had my family with me for every birthday even if only just for the morn before I head out. I miss them like crazy especially my girlfriend Mickey (although if your reading this ‘I am working on your Chinese replacement’ :-P) Seriously though I try not to think too hard about what I miss or I start to feel a bit ‘funny’ as I am on the other side of the world, but sometimes you cant help but feel ‘funny’ (so worthy of Dawson’s Creek I know).

The best bit. Rich and I almost got hitched the other day. For lunch me and the ‘family’, my work colleagues, go for a bit of grub together. Now on my first day the family brought me to this rather plush place beside my work place called “Grand Capital Banquet Hall” for a bite to eat. The food was gorgeous as was the picturesque furnishings and surroundings. So I had the brain-wave of inviting Rich over to my workplace after I had shut-up-shop for dinner one night (restaurants are the equivalents of pubs over here, and are used as a means of socializing as dining is normally a shared experience). Well little did I know this place was right beside a marital registration office, and boy were we in for it. We had barely crossed the threshold (no pun intended) of the Banquet Hall when we were coerced by a fitteon (fit female) into dining area. She told me to follow her and how to descend the 3 steps into the main dining hall and also barked at me to sit down when she had located a table for us. I am glad she did or I might have forgot to fire the necessary motor neurons required for such simple tasks, just aswell I had remember all by myself not to release my bowels at the dinner table or God knows what trouble it could have caused. Anyway bowels intact and all, me and Richard set about ordering a meal. This is when it stuck us that everything in the room was pink, and that all the plates had a big heart on them. There was no turning back now, as 4/5 people started striding over to our table laughing and giggling and not a word of English to be heard. To cut a long story short the food was expensive and revolting, we were served by a transvestite, and the whole place thought we were newly hitched. Now it is not everyday that I get married and even less so to a member of the same sex. So we legged it out.

P.S I have to put a special mention to my man Jenkins here. I mean I knew it was love straight away with a name like Jenkins. The man is on par if not surpassed the ledge that is Raymond. Forget about ‘Ask Jeeves’ try asking Jenks. He is a fountain of all knowledge, my fav work colleague and an absolute laugh to boot.

This entry was posted on Friday, August 3rd, 2007 at 9:11 am and is filed under Hong Kong. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.